Discovering more of myself…

I started reading this book on bi-polar. I have found out many interesting symptoms of it, treatments ext. But it does not help with figuring out how to live with it. I read “An Unquiet Mind” By Dr Kay Jamison, it shows you can live, but it strikes a note that its something I will always have. That it will affect my life forever.

The normal divorce rate is less than 50% chance your marriage will work. For someone with bi-polar disorder, its far lower than that…. I’ve always known Im a lot of a person to deal with, that it was going to take an incredible man to handle me. I now know why…. This is an illness I will never heal from. I can maintain my symptoms, but I will never actually get better. So how do I approach this in my life. I cant find ways to help myself live with it. When I was at the bookstore and asked the guy to help me find books on bi-polar disorder, he nearly ran from me in fright. Honestly, Im not going to lose it… I promise… dont run…

So I sit in front of the psycology books and read every title… lots of subjects.. nothing much on bi-polar disorders, except three books. Two of which I bought the other I left on the shelf at $50. I’ve read one… nothing but all medical explanations and the history of the medications and the way mental illnesses were taken care of… I’ll start the other one tonight. Im looking for answers… answers on how to find myself.. or at least to be able to learn to live with this….

Im pouring my heart out to a friend so Im basically going to just put what Im saying to him here…

J: ever been scared of yourself?
S: Of myself or what I might do?
J: yourself..
S: no, not of myself persay

A sigh from me..

J: scared of myself for myself does that make sense?
S: Yes. In a way

Another sigh from myself.

J: Im not going to get better… did you know that?
S: Well… the question would be.. from what?
J: bi polar disorder
S: that doesn’t surprise me.
J: meaning?
S: disorders of those types are never “cured” only controled. And in some cases… only thinly veiled
J: yeah Another sigh from me.

S:ya just have to live with it
J: Do you realize that most people who are manic depressive have failed marriage after failed marriage and never really find someone who can deal with it
S: *nods*
J: Living with it is harder than just living with it… its really not fair that I was up against the normal divorce rate of people now adays… now I have this.. even less chance
S: Life isn’t easy. You have to take what it gives and deal with it Jenn. Harsh… I know. But its truth.
J: yes, Im dealing with it, as I always have, but how do you deal with something that no one really knows how to, not even dr’s… they give you med’s, to balance you out, but you still never really… well… settle into yourself
S: Jenn…. you accept it as part of you. ITS ALL you can do. At least you realize that its not a “fix” just a helping hand. My dad thinks docs could give me some drug to “fix” me. I hate the notion. Everyone has there own… personal wellness. You know it… instictively.

Another heavy sigh from me..

J: The world seems a lot more lonely now though, what makes it even worse is that Ive learned all the times I worry about my friends if they like me or not, is its part of the disease the depression side can get so bad that you suspect everyone of hating you, of not liking you, even those who love you.. and I do this and I hate it… I hate that I cant stop the feelings either, that’s what makes it worse. I try and I cant
S: Just ride them out Jenn.
J: yeah but it ruins friendships.. and relationships
S: The people that truely care…. will stick by you.
J: that is so bull shit, my parents are suppose to and they are a night mare. God, my dad actually told my mom that my helping me out with money that the were just contributing to me being this way like I should just take it and get off my ass. *Snorts* f’ing asshole doesnt understand you just dont snap out of it
S: I know that Jenn, parents are idiots for the most part it seems.
J: Then my mom claims to understand claims to care but when I get to my well nearly phycotic depression she like loses her understanding, its not as if I lose my mind just control of how I feel like I cant stop it.

Quiet pause..

J: for someone who likes to always be in control of herself and her situtations this is a very scary disease.

S *Nods*

J: yes, like I said… Im scared of myself for myself.

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That I suppose sums up how I feel tonight. Good night.