Getting what I wanted

I was reading through some old emails that I sent Joey and received from Joey and came across this one. Months before Byron and I broke up….

Sent: Monday, June 26, 2000 10:48 AM

Subject: A confession of love

I had the most interesting dream last night. About you.

I had this dream I was someplace and a lot of NWT members were around, not specifically watching but near where they could have seen. I walked right up to you and kissed you, kissed you deeply and in front of anyone who might see. Thyaet did and she wrote it down to tell Byron and I didnt even care. I felt so free, by having it all out in the open….

Joey, I love you so much, and I cant stand not being able to have you. I hate seeing you sad, and depressed. I so badly want to get all this shit out of the way and just be with you. I want to talk to you later… Im at home today so… catch me online. I love you.

always,

This was before Byron and I broke up… Its odd how I got what I wanted, but was still hurt because I lost Byron. Though I am finally where my heart wanted to be. As I said in another email to Joey, “I love you, and I am glad to finally be where I belonged in the first place.”

The emails especially the one saying that I wanted to be with Joey before I broke up with Byron really shows to myself that I was using Byron as a safty net. Im really close to Byron, and will always be good friends with him, but now that I look back I wonder that if things would have worked out would I have been settling for Byron? Likely because I had feelings for Joey and wondered what if… If I wondered what if, then I was needing something in my relationship with Byron I was not getting.

Its weird, but usually in relationships I get very insecure about the person finding someone better or something, but with Joey I feel different. I feel much more at ease, though I do feel a bit of jealousy over somethings, I understand that he will go through things in life, like taking a girl to prom…. We did step into this relationship with both of us understanding that if the other wants to go out with someone else they can, but I think neither of us will. I wont because Im not really interested in dating anyone else. And I think Joey wont because he loves me so deeply. ::sighs:: I really must go sit and think of Joey now….