Girl slightly interupted…

I started the partial hostpitalization today. I have to admit its a joke. The place I was sent to, well the people are mostly really bad off. I really do feel like Winona’s character in the movie A Girl Interupted. Not quiet as messed up as the other people. The scary thing is, Im in group sessions where people talk about the voices they hear. I cant even imagine what that must be like, I seem terribly stupid now. Thinking that something is wrong because Im not happy. I actually feel worse today than I did before going. I was really hoping to find others who deal with manic depression, instead I find those that are skitzophrenic, people with sever paranoia. One of the groups we did was called creative expression. They wanted us to color. Color and draw. First off Im a lousy artist, second of all I express myself with the writen word. I do not color. I do not cut out cookie cutter patterns and decorate them. I am 24 years old, I am not 6.

The idea of group therapy is a really great idea, if Im in sessions with other people with manic depression. People who have worries that are similar to mine. Instead I listened to a man talk about the voice in the wall that was joking around a lot recently. The voice in the wall was a woman. Now im my mind Im thinking he might have been hearing someone on the other side of the wall, right maybe a roommate at his board and care house. Until the doctor said to him that he does realize that the voice was not really in the wall right? He acknowledged that the voice was not real and what not but that she was taunting him. Some of the people talk in voices, like someone with a handicapp my talk like. The speach impared voice. Lots of them talked as if they were 6 or 7 years old. Like children.

Ohhh boy. These are people who need care takers, and I really felt that this facility is a place to put them during the day. I really feel like shit after spending the day there. I just want to like say, I dont hear voices, Im not scared of being out in public. I actually love to be out and around people. I love to watch people, see them do what they do. Im just sad. I dont know why Im sad, I just am. I dont want to tell someone who is hearing a woman in the wall taunt him that my boyfriend and I broke up, and that I love him and that its my fault… He has a woman in a wall talking to him…. I have a need to be loved and to feel accepted. Of course it doesnt help that one of the women said today in the second session that she doesnt like change, and one change is new people. Great, so now I make this woman who’s dependant on her set schedual uncomfortable… my issue of acceptance… That helped.

I really feel terribly uncomfortable with the whole setting, I like the idea of group therapy, but well.. maybe someone who’s a little more like me, has some of the same problems as me. Not people who hear voices, that’s a whole seperate kind of issue. One that terrifies me. Im really not sure what else to write in today I talked about the coloring, the voices…. I must say, today really made me feel less of a person than I did before, that’s not good, not good at all.