Hospitalization…

Im not getting better, I take my medications, I do as Im suppose to, go to the counseling, my dr. appointments. Yet I remain depressed. I dont feel like doing anything anymore.

I went out last night and drank, only two drinks mind you, but the guy I went out with I had sex with. I have a totally destructive problem with sex. When I want to feel better I somehow thing that by having sex I feel better. Like somehow this guy, proves my worth or something. Proves I am attractive, likable. As it was happening though, I couldnt not help but wish it was Ethan. Not because I lust after Ethan, but because I wanted it to be for love, not for sex. But yet I didnt ask the guy I went out with to stop. I even faked an orgasm so that he would feel good. It wasnt that it was lousy sex, it just was sex. That was the problem.

I want so desperately to be loved. To be accepted. I want to know why I cant be loved. Why I cant let someone love me with out sabatoging the relationship. I would never want to hurt Ethan as I did. But yet I did it. The last two days were high days for me, which worries me because I went and did something with out thinking about things. About how it could ruin my life, change my relationship… I didnt like think.

Sometimes I think I dont deserve better in my life. Im giving up the idea of school. There is no need to go back. My job sucks but its a job with good benifits and good pay.

All I can really think about is Ethan, wrapping my arms around him and promising it’ll be ok. But I cant, because its my fault it isnt ok. He keeps apologizing to me. Which I dont understand because its nothing he did wrong, except trust me and have faith in me….

Im not getting better, if anything I think Im getting worse. Im getting to the point where I dont even care if I want to get better. So Im thinking maybe in patient care might be better since out patient care isnt working…