Its that time again folks

True up and up mania. Its 3:34 am and I have been trying to sleep for the last hour. Im to get up for work in three hours. Not good? Well I know its not despite the complete feeling of goodness I feel. Im a nicer person when Im manic. I do not bitch at Justin so much, I don’t bitch about my roommates so much, I actually do things for myself that I might ask Justin to do for me. I even do things randomly for him, not very like me unless Im manic.

BUT, here’s the problem. Im thinking, as I always do so rapidly when Im manic. (This is still the upward swing from when I made my list of things to do, which I should go back and actually accomplish a few more things).

So my thoughts, I dont even recall where they started, on money I think, as my thoughts always do when Im manicy. Somehow that brought me around to work, which is actually logical, so I think about how burnt out I am with the job at the Water Company. Its very drole and I dont get to socialize as much as I used to when it was just me and Linda. Her permanent hire annoys me because she just doesnt get how to do things right, I can’t say anything because despite knowing the job better …. ack, off topic, backing up to racing thoughts. So as Im thinking that I can not wait until I start working at the IRS and what not so I can quit at the water company I start to think about getting my taxes done. Easy still kinda logical, Money makes me think of job, job makes me think of Water company which I want to leave when I start at the IRS, and the IRS makes me think of getting my taxes done. So I keep thinking about who am I going to get to help me get my own taxes done with out costing me money. That makes me think of all the little papers I’ve been sent that will do with my returns, one of them being the information about my student loan, which is usually tax deductable except my first payment wasnt due until December of last year, so it doesnt count for 2002 taxes. That some how gets me to thinking about school, so fleeting of a thought I some how JUMP to the paper the Social Security office sends you once a year, the one that gives you all kinds of information, like if you were to die how much money your family (spouse or children) would get each month, (Let me tell you this, right now Ryan that asshole would get over $2100 a month), but it also tells you how much you would get (before adding 2002 taxes and income into it) if you were to become disabled. I’d get $945. Now suddenly it dawns on me. I had no income to add to it from 2001, or not much that counted only my IRA I cashed out from Pacbell because I needed the money and took the SUPER high tax penelty for doing so. Anyhow at this time last year I could have gone on regular Social Security disablity when my California state disablity ran out. I would have had enough money for school, my car would have had its payments and I would have actually FINALLY accomplished something in my life, finishing some sort of college program. I would have had enough money to get me through college, and into a field I dearly want to be part of.

This frustrates me. I was under the impression that SSI for disablity was only like $300 or so a month, something I couldnt have lived on. Now the knowledge I was taking this from was my friend Tauheedah’s friend Karen, who’s a true midget, was on SSI after she graduated from high school, rather her money went to her instead of her parents. She was able to get into a low income apartment (Which in Hanford California, is not always a shit hole) and they paid her utilities, rent and she got a shit load of food stamps, and $300 a month. So I assumed if I was to go on disablity that I would get the same, since Karen would tell me she was getting the max she could. Little did I know that her max was because she NEVER worked and put money into SSI for that sort of thing. So when I had run out of CA disablity benefits I thought I was with out money. Main reason why I moved to Missouri was because Justin promised to offer me a place to stay so I can get a job, which at the time the job market was still kinda open in KC MO, so I could work on getting my car paid off. The roommates he had in previously slowed that plan down and we got into some debt trying to stay afloat and keep his house. I should have my car paid off by the end of July.

Either way my thoughts were stuck on this whole issue that I could have stayed in school, except NO ONE told me how regular SSI worked. Only told me how California short term disablity worked. While I was living at my mom’s after I had quit Pacbell, while I was on CA State disablity my income was $700 that was not taxable income. I was able to survive on that, so the SSI would have been more than I actually needed to stay afloat. I could have paid my parents some mone I owed them. Blah.

This is what my thoughts are stuck on. Im not vexed enough over this to pace and fret, but its enough that I can’t sleep. That added to my obvious mania is causing my mind to race. No as I think about being on SSI, I thought about if I had been able to convince Justin to move to California, I would have stayed in school, had money, maybe a GOOD paying job, and a chance to live near my best friend, or in the part of the state I desperately want to live in (San Luis Obispo area). So as I start to think of SLO, I start to think of being able to afford it. Selfishly I think that with Justin and I on SSI we could have afforded the house I was renting. I would have been exceptionally happy, depsite the fact of living on the system. I start to think of how screwed I was about not being told that State disablity was not the end to disablity, that SSI exsisited. Now I DID have a social worker in Ca, because I was on MediCal, california’s Way superior public health insurance plan for those who can not afford health insurance on their own and those who might have income. (Medicaid doesnt work that way, if you work forget about getting help, I know Im dealing with them now) So this social worker who saw that my State Disablity benefits were running out should have talked to me about SSI, espeically knowing why I NEEDED health insurance to begin with.

I truely feel that all the bad things that I’ve put myself through, are because Im stupid, ack not stupid, just ignorant of what I had available. I’d have been stupid if I had the information and didnt do anything with it. I was stupid in quittin my job with Pacbell, I had the information and choose something I later realized was stupid. STUPID. But the SSI was pure ignorance, in the true meaning of the word, lack of knowledge on any given subject.

So now nearly a year later I sit up late at night telling you all this when I have to be up for work at 7am. Its now 4am. Im pretty sure Im not going to get to work tomorrow, and how do I explain this to my boss. Im uncontrolable right now. We’ve talked about my bi-polar, but I do not think she fully understands it as many who do not have any dealance of it do. Hehe, I think that is a new word, dealance. Hope so because in my state right now I like it. She knows I get into moods where I cant get myself out of bed but she has said to me, well you just need to make yourself do it. If it truely was that easy then I’d just do that, because if I could get myself out of bed I’d not feel so down.

So Im running out of space in this entry