Just life

I had this dream my step dad asked my mom for a divorce. It was incredibly disturbing, realization, I love my step dad and if he was to decide to walk out of our lives I think it would hurt me a lot. I know some of my issues with men have to deal with the fact my dad left me and my mom when I was three, and my step dad that raised me from when I was eight until high school, cheated on my mom and they got divorced during my freshman year. My current step dad, my real step dad married my mom when I was a senior in high school. Seems weird thinking that he’s only been here in my life since I was an adult, but that he should have been here longer….

My dad claims he’s bi-polar as well. Though he’s never really seen a doctor or therapist about it. It is hereiditary, but my dad thinks I should just be able to get a handle on it and take care of it with out medications or seeing a therapist. Nice to know my dad thinks that being bi-polar is just a personality disorder, when its in fact a medical imbalance. Its like cancer, its something real inside me that makes me this way, not something my personality is choosing to do. Its frustrating, when I was actually having finacial trouble the begining of Jan, I didnt have money for rent, and my dad actually told my mom that if they gave me money that they would only be playing into this. Like Im faking this or something. I know I dont have manic sides that are psycotic which people with bi-polar can be prone to, but I do get ups that I dont think are normal.

Then again, who really knows. Im down tonight and I really do feel like just saying fuck it all. Joey thinks Im being possessive of him. Because I asked about what appears to be a blossoming friendship between him and someone else. I think if he did get a girlfriend, it would really help me …. well get over him. Im not saying I still pine over him, and wish he was mine, but I do still feel kinda possessive over him, not completely like he feels, but some small part of me still feels that he belongs to me. Weird though because where I am right now, I’d not want him as a bf, or in a relationship. Maybe I’m just hanging on so tight because its one friendship I dont want to lose. Something I learned wtih Ethan was if you let go… and actually do it, if the person loves you they will come back, or rather stay around.

It took a lot for me to just put faith in Ethan and let go and just let him be. Not to push, not to hang on. We finally got back together Tuesday. He had until this coming sunday to decide if we were going to work things out or if we were going to be broken up completely. Im not even sure exactly what happened, but Tuesday he seemed near complete panic about getting to talk to me. ICQ’s and what not saying he needed to talk to me.

Im learning I have control issues… Like I have to be in control of everything or I get anxious. This was pointed out over my health insurance and my therapist and the partial hospitalization program. That I had to trust that they would not send me back to work before I was ready. Its hard, but I think its something Im learning to do with Ethan, and the program. I want to talk honestly about Ethan to someone, to anyone, but there are some things about the situation I can not tell anyone, purely because well because I cant. I love him dearly, and Im thankful he loves me in return, he’s become a very good friend, and a healthy understanding friendship. And now to keep it healthy as we return to being in a relationship. Not to become so dependant on him to make me happy, to find things within myself to be happy over. Like school.

I had to do an assesment test for English and Math. Out of 100 my English Writing was 98, and my English reading was 84 and my Math 36. How bad is that?! Basically its because I dont do much math anymore, and Ive not been in school for six years. So I have to take pre algebra, which is a non transferable class…. So Im going to be behind in math already. Its a good thing I want to be a High School English teacher not math. So I was able to get into my English class, but not the Math, it was full, nor the spanish class, it too was full, even the dance class was full. So I have to crash the Math class and hope I can get in. I hate petitioning classes… You have to show up the first day, with out the book and hope you can get in. Then your one day behind if you do get in because you dont have the book! Its rather annoying. But If I get my grades up and keep them up I can register next sememster earlier and get classes I need.

::sighs:: Before I meander back to talking about Ethan, Im going to say good night.