Last Call ….

I’m losing him, sadly I know that Im on our last attempt to work things out. Last night we had spoken and agreed we really need to work on getting our friendship back into our relationship. He told me last night one reason that he doesnt completely break things of with me is because he doesnt want to lose my friendship. He feels that I am one of the greatest people to talk to and he doesnt want to lose that. We discussed or rather he said what he’d really like to do is break the relationship off and work on our friendship. I asked him if we did that would we have the chance to get back together, he said that he didnt think so because he wouldnt want to risk having the tension between us again. He didnt want to risk ruining the friendship again. I had asked him before this, if he still loved me and he told me yes. I asked him when things were going well did he still love me enough to still want me as his wife, he does. So I know he still cares deeply for me. He knows that if we break up that I couldnt handle being just his friend so it would be nothing. I expressed to him that if we worked on putting our friendship back into your relationship, due to my own insecurities, thta I could only do so knowing he still considers me his girlfriend. Mainly because I saw it as if we simply agreed to work on our frienship with the possibility of getting back together I couldnt do that, because it left things open between us, and it would allow for someone else to become a girlfriend. Not that Alex would seek someone out for a new relationship, while attempting to see if ours could happen again, but like I said it is simply one of my own insecurities. So last night as the subject slowly changed to family and such….. we talked about how his moving would make his mom feel, we talked about how mothers usually dislike girlfriends because they fear we’ll take their son away, but once the girlfriend becomes the daughter in law the moms usually find they didnt really lose their son but expanded their own family. I know this will be really hard on Alexander’s mom because he will be moving to the US and in away I would be taking him away. But Alex and I did both agree last night that we would definetly visit his home, or pay to have his parents visit us.

I loved how he suddenly relaxed and opened up and we were easily able to talk. It so easy for us to fall into that kind of relaxed feeling with each other and just talk. Usually after every disagreement or fight we always usually end up talking that way. Its one of the things I value the most about our relationship, that even when it seems we are at odds with each other our connection to each other always seems to cause us to talk. Im hoping that with our talk last night that we’ll find a way to become friends again. To learn to commmunicate and tealk to each other again. Im terrified that something will prevent this and cause what feels like the last chance for us.

I love him, and care deeply about him. I dont know what I would do if I was to lose him, especially his friendship, that is one thing I love the most about him, is how it feels that we have known each other for all our lives. He knows me, and can read my emotions with out even having to look at me or hear a word from me. He just knows. Im glad to finally have someone who just knows….

Alex, I dont know if your going to continue to read this, either way…. Thank you. I love you.