Nobody’s supposed to be here

I do write things under songs so if you are a regular reader please read the whole thing…. thanks.

Nobody’s supposed to be here- Deborah Cox

How did you get here
Nobody’s supposed to be here
I’ve tried that love thing for the last time
My heart said no, no
Nobody’s suppose to be here
But you came along and changed my mind
(my mind, my mind)

I’ve spent all my life
On a search to find
The love who’ll stay for eternity
That heaven sent to fulfill my needs
But when I turn around
Again love has knocked me down
My heart got broke and oh it hurts so bad
I’m sad to say love wins again

So I placed my heart under lock and key
To take some time and take care of me
But I turn around and you’re standing here

This time I swear I’m through
But if only you knew
How many times I’ve said those words
Then fall again, when will I ever learn
Knowing these tears I cry
This lovely black butterfly
Must take a chance
And spread my wings
Love can make ya do some crazy things

So I placed my heart under lock and key
To take some time and take care of me
But I turn around and you’re standing here

How did you
How did you get here
Nobody’s suppose to be here
Nobody, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no
Noooo

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This is the song that made me cry tonight while I was talking to Robert. I have been denying exactly how much I like him because Im terrified of getting hurt. Terrified of letting someone in to the wall around my heart again. He keeps thinking that something I dont want to tell him right now is that I love him. This came up again tonight. What it basically is that I just want to tell him to face the fact he has fallen for me. I can see it in the way he talks to me, the way well we’ve been through this already. So tonight I was told him straight up, no Robert I do not want to say I love you, that is not even what Im not telling you.

But tonight when this song came on… right near the end of our phone call I suddenly realized it was something I want to say to him. It hit me so damn hard I dont even know where it came from. I mean I knew I liked him, care about him, but he’s always been at a good distance as a friend. I knew I liked him, but to say that Im starting to fall in love with him… wow it was like d’oh hello J.

He says he’s not leading me on. I think he only thinks this because he tells me with words on occassion he’s just not ready to be in a committement. For the longest time I respected this. I still do. But he does act differently. I dont just mean with his flirting because I flirt like mad with a lot of people, but I do not act in some ways like Robert does towards me. I dont want to prove him wrong on this either. Mostly because I dont want him to stop what he does. Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak? Probably. Do I care? No. Because if for once I get the good guy it’ll all be worth it. Ohhh… I cant fall for him. Damn.

A friend of mine said to me about one reason he probably wants me to tell him “I love you” actually he gave two reasons… “A part of him does want you to say it. For 2 reasons.. 1.) So he knows without doubt that you care. and doesn’t have to be nervous about it. And because hearing it is wonderful. And 2.) So he has an excuse to bail if he gets too scared.” Ohhh… ohh damn. Just damn it all.

Ive gone and turned around trying to avoid this and what have I done? Ive only gone and gotten myself thrown in love. No its not falling in love this time, because I didnt realize I was doing so until it hit me in the face, or rather I turned around and hit it.

I am that insipid girl I said I wasnt. Damn. But well Im a sucker for love yes? Maybe? I dunno… But damn. When your not looking hmmm? Well damn it all then because it happened I didnt choose it too. Can I run away from it now?