Past self

I occassionally go back and read my old entries and I have to say that I was so stupid with how I handled relationships.  I know I rushed into the one with Justin, but I wasn’t the one who said I love you first.  He did so, and while I liked Justin a lot it knocked me on my ass when he said it first.  And I moved here on a whim and lots of my regular readers followed it and gave me warnings but wished me the best of luck.  I’m sure many of them are glad everything turned out ok and Justin is the best bf I could have found myself with.

There is no "quiet" romance like I felt I might have had with Joey, and there is no whirlwind fast and hard like I had with Byron.  I don’t even hear from Jordan anymore, which I think is probably healthy for me and him, it was likely a situation I should never had delved into and at my age I cringe to think I needed the support of someone so young.  It was stupid.  Joey I still think of as a friend and I wonder where his life has taken him, it has been far to long since I last spoke to him and I always debate about sending him a letter by post.  I will likely do so and send him a wedding announcement, only because I don’t think it will cause his heart any saddness to know I’m getting married.  (I do still have to wait offically for Justin to ask, and he’s been freaking out about how to do so, now that Im divorced and he can).  I would like to stay friends with Joey, but its unlikely that as he grew up and into adult life that he wants to.  But such is life.

Byron. Well not to be rude to him, but who cares.  I sure the hell don’t.  The only thing I wish on him is that he has at least paid of the money he put on his credit card to come see me. It would suck to still have all that debt.

I’m glad I finally grew up, and figured out that life isn’t this huge fantastical thing that its mysteries will never be known.  Its fairly simple.  Love is more than hard intense feelings or insane ideas of romance.  It is every day things that make love last.  The unwinding time before sleep where we talk, the playfulness we get randomly. The sharing of daily rituals like a shower (all in a non adult way mind you), the joy of having enough money to get all of our bills paid, the happiness of having a room that is finally MY part of the house, remodeled for me to my tastes, the owning of stuff together.  Yea, simple purchases that make stuff ours not mine or his.  It is so much more than simply needing to be loved, as I don’t have to worry about that, I find that people care about me even outside of my relationship, I have friends that still worry and care about me,  I have a social life that is far from the net, while I do still do some online rp’ing at rpol.net, I don’t have my entire social life surrounded by those I know online. I still keep in touch with some friends I know online, but for the most part they have become real life friends like Lindsey.  Who her dedication to her friendship with Jeff got her her man.

Sometimes when I read back I look at really think how could I have been so… high school mentality as a twenty something adult.

And then I look at where I am with Justin and I’m glad that moving out here has forced me to grow up so much.  I feel so much better as a person.  While I still struggle with social issues because of my bipolar, my true friends here have come to learn that I’m not always that way and I’m not that way with everyone.  But for the most part my social life has balanced itself out.  My love life has definately leveled out and not become the chaos it used to be.

I look back and can’t figure out how that person is the same as myself, its almost like a book I read and see a character in that seems like part of me, but isn’t really me.

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