ScatterBrained Worries

Ok, so I can not remember the date of my last period. Because the idiot pharmacy in Nebraska transfered my entire prescription to there when I just needed my birth control filled once, not transfered. When I got home to have it refilled then I couldnt because laws in NEbraska say they can not transfer a prescription more than once. Meaning the transfer there ment I couldnt have it transfered home to have it filled. I called my doctor to have them just refill it and he wouldnt said I would have to come in for another pap smear. Well pissed off because I couldnt afford that I didnt. It hadn’t been a year since I got the orginal prescription so I didnt need to be seen again.

Well now I cant remember the date of my last period, and I felt I had been careful with Justin, only having sex the week after I got off my period and the week after that. Keeping clear of the ovulation week. Well now Im stressed because I cant figure out when my period was due. Now at the begining of this week, when I felt my period had been due, I took a pregnancy test. It showed I was not pregnant, but that isnt 100%. So Im still freaked out that a week later Im still not having my monthly. Could be that Im super unactive, and that Im not balanced with my medication for my bi polar, and its causing me to be late. Or that Im just stupid and do not know recall what date I was truely supposed to start.

Im frustrated. I have extremely mixed feelings about getting pregnant. I know Justin wants children, and it might be a bit early for us, not as early as last November, we have been together a year now, but I’d truely like to be married before I consider having kids. Spending time with my friend Barbey and her fiance Jamie and their two kids really makes me appreciate not having any. The more Im around other peoples kids the more Im happy I dont have any, and the more I dont want any. Then I think about my little brother. When Christopher was born when I was 18 I was super adoring to him. I didn’t really touch or take care of him until he was at least able to hold up his head on his own, I think I might have even changed a diaper or two with him, I know I fed him bottles and it didnt seem so hard at the time.

But what worries me is the crying. I dont have the patience to try and figure out why baby cries, I know if Christopher cried I usually told mom and our mom delt with him. Im absolutely terrified I’ll be a mom that shakes her baby in frustration…. I know how I get when I get so over frustrated. I bang myself into walls and pound my head into them…. Part of my disorder of being bi polar and the frustration that grows from not being able to control my feelings, or rather make them stop.

So, despite the fact that if I am pregnant Justin and I will be having a baby, Im scared. Scared that I’ll not be any good at this, scared of what my family will think that Im not married. (My mom and dad were both married when they had me). And what if my dad freaks out, and insists we get married right away, how the hell am I going to explain to him I cant because of that asshole Ryan. My dad doesnt know anything about Ryan.

Scared.