Suicide

Its the only thing that keeps you from being hospitalized, or not hostpitalized. The Dr. that did the evaluation kept asking me all kinds of questions around hurting myself or killing myself or if Ive ever thought about how I could kill myself. I told the lady I didnt want to kill myself, I wouldnt mind if I went to sleep and never woke up again, but I couldnt do it myself. Im a coward, a coward to let someone love me, a coward to trust others, and a coward that I cant even kill myself even when I really hate myself.

So they decided partial hospitalization. Which is where I go to all these sessions during the day but I get to sleep at home. I get to sleep in my own bed because I dont want to kill myself or anyone else. That little detail allows me the comfort of my own bed, and my cat to curl up with… rather my cat to lick me then bite me. I swear my cat is more bi polar than I… ::chuckles:: But she’s a cat they do that.

Last night I had support from a really unexpected source. I couldnt sleep, four am and I thought, what the hell maybe I’ll call Byron. The only thing he can do is say he doesnt want to talk… Which for the longest time he did that always. He didnt last night. He scares me, I didnt say a word about what was wrong, he could tell something was in my voice, but I didnt tell him what. But he asked questions. Questions hitting what was wrong right on the nose. He doesnt have net access so he no longer reads my OD. Nor has everything that has me depressed have I written in here. But yet he knew what to ask. I should mention he called me Saturday. Out of the blue to talk, to catch up. I asked if he missed me, he does… Odd. The dream I had about him two days before that. While I was talking to Byron I suddenly remembered if we were still together, he would have been picking me up in 4 hours. This was the call he called me on. Very, very odd, a coincedence Im sure… But he called me?!

Im very glad we are friends again, I missed that about him. I asked him if last night if we lived in the same city, if I would have asked him to come over and spend the night. Just so I’d have emotional support would he have… He said, of course. He’d always be my friend and there for me when I needed. I miss Ethan. He turned to Laura for moral support during this. Laura who is closer to him, Laura who he’s known longer, Laura who gave him up, Laura who ….. hates me. That scares me, she and I have a complicated friendship. Its definetly one where we can share being bi polar. But jealous eats at us both. She gets jealous because her boyfriend and I are good friends, and Im jealous because her and Ethan are so close. It scares me because Ethan loves me, and I used to tell Ethan that Laura and I are so alike. She is what I was at her age, she’s just younger… If he loves me, he could so easily love her. But he always said it was me he loved… still scares me though… He turned to her.

I talked to my therapist today about the realization last night that I pushed away those I love. I sabatoge the very one thing I want. To be loved. He really wants to explore this with me… It was a very tearful hour today.

Ok, Im running out of well feelings to write. So Im going to post a song. Though it has nothing to do with the way I feel about this break up. Its offically my break up song to mope to. Byron sent it to me when we broke up and its claimed that part since..

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I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s whats going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn
So I guess the fortune teller’s tell us right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, I’m torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn. Torn.
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings right, I’m torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

Natalie Imbruglia – Torn