The question of love…

With a heavy sigh I begin this entry not really sure of anything with Alexander anymore. I dont really know how to reassure myself that he does indeed still love me. He did tell me that he does, but he also said that it was not the same as it used to be. Im wondering that he stays with me to just get me to stop crying over a break up. How can I know for sure that I am not making him feel guilty and staying because of it? I cant really, except to take him for his own word. But in past fights we’ve had his own words cause me to feel that he doesnt want to continue with our relationship. It hurts me to think that I might be causing him to despise me. I love him so much that the idea that he might possibly not return the feeling the same way anymore hurts me so much. Causes so much doubt in me because he has said it in our fights. I know people can say things in arguements to cause you to hurt, but what if its true and it is truely how he feels.

I want him to love me as much as he used to. To tell me how he talks about me to everyone. To tell me he loves me, with out me having to say it first. I want to be the person he loves more than anyone in his life again. To be his in everyway.

I keep fooling myself into thinking that if I could just get him to move here sooner that things will be better. But Im scared that they wont if he truely has stopped loving me as he once did. Because if he does move all the way here and things dont get better then I caused him to uproot his whole life.

I worry also that he might say these hurtful things to me on purpose knowing that it hurts me. I know I am a bit opinionated on a lot of things and Im scared that by telling him how I feel about certain things he’ll break up with me. Im also afraid that he uses that fear against me by threatening a break up everytime we argue. I dont want to allow such an emotional control over me, it borders on emotional abuse if this is indeed what he is doing. I wanted to talk to him tonight about my concerns regarding this matter, and well he said he wanted to be left alone for a few hours and quickly went offline. I didnt even get the chance to let him know what I wanted to talk about. Now I sit here worried that I am being to clingy or something to him. Worried that he might be upset with me again. To me it seems like a cycle…. and I cant stop it from repeating itself.

I totally feel like Im doing something wrong, or that Im causing him not to be as open as he used to be. Something…. and what it is I dont know. I just feel like Im losing him completely and my heart cant deal with that possibility. I want him to talk to me again, to let me back into that wall of his he has around him. I miss Alexander so much it hurts.