Update…

Im going to quit my job with pacbell and the great money I make with them. I hate customer service, I hate the way the company has changed since becoming part of the SBC family. It has stopped caring about people, those that work for them and those that keep teh company going. Sell Sell Sell Sell Sell.

So Im going to quit. I’d like to quit by Spring semester but that would be rushing it. Im going to work, take some classes during the spring and summer semesters and start school in the fall full time. In sane going back to school being 25. Ive got to find a way to afford my benefits though. But I need to get out of the company before I change my mind. I love the money, but I hate the job. Im going to become a teacher.. Im not exactly sure what age group yet, but I do know I want to be a teacher.

Ethan broke up with me two days ago. Once again men have eluded to me their sense. For Ethan says he loves me, loves me more than he has loved anyone. Wont ever be able to forget me or get over me…. But has to break up with me. He doesnt want to hurt me. He’s scared he will in the future… so he instead hurts me now. I was so guarded with him. I continued to tell him that I couldnt love him back, and when I find he has stolen my heart away … he breaks it.

Once again I find myself wanting to choke all the men in my life. Its tiresome this heart ache… what bothers me a lot is Ethan was a friend who say me through Byron, and through Joey. He knew I didnt want to start a relationship in fear of getting hurt. And yet once I say we can try, and we work on things our friendship grows stronger we share day to day happenings and its comforting. He tells me he loves me, everyday he told me. Sends me that poem showing that he understands why I stand so guarded. The moment I let my guard down, he stomps all over my heart.

I actually find looking foward to school something to help me get past this. I care deeply for Ethan, I miss his friendship, which seems very strained right now since when we talk I can hear it in his voice breaking up with me is not something he wanted to do. Its hard because I dont want him to hurt over me. He made a choice and as I told him, that he cant go backwards again. My trust is completely lost in him. Now I still trust him as a friend, but with my heart I cant. Especially since I thought he understood me.

One of my best friends got married in November. I havent talked to him really since then until the other night and he seems very much to like to say the words ‘my wife’ over and over again. It somehow feels as if he’s throwing it in my face. I know I had a chance with him, but I never saw past the friendship. But it makes me envious of him. He found someone to make him happy and Im continuously making the wrong choices in relationships.

I miss Joey. I dont know where that feeling suddenly came from, other than the fact I do. I still love him deeply and miss him greatly. Today would have been a good day to sit on a porch swing and watch the sunset. I’d love to lean my head on his shoulder and just sit. Some how I think that even with out him saying a word, I’d be able to walk away knowing everything in my life will be ok.

Em yeu anh.