The Devil Couldn’t Reach Me.

It’s now been almost two months since I left my husband. I still can’t believe it. I am still in awe that I was able to find the strength and courage to get away from him.

However, there have been some developments…

We have been meeting up for sex. I know, I know…why? Well, I’m a woman with needs, and the sex was always good when he was willing and able. And now? The sex is amazing. I have absolutely NO INTENTION of taking him back. He is still planning his out of state move to be with his new girlfriend. They have not seen each other in years. If she was here in the same state, I would never be hooking up with him. I am simply using him while I can.

I will admit, the first time we met up, it was extremely emotional for both of us. We’ve been meeting about once a week for a month now. This is kind of all over the place, so I apologize. If I wanted sex with someone else, I could get it easily. I just don’t want to fuck some stranger, though. I have made it more than clear to him that there isn’t a chance in hell we will be getting back together.

Aside from the sex, we have also been texting, and shockingly, finding some semblance of closure. He is taking this harder than I honestly imagined. I know if I said I wanted him back, he would come crawling. But his willingness to be a good husband and be a nice person would fade quickly. I know him too well.

I had a long conversation with him about his new girlfriend. Despite the fact that I am hurt that he is moving on so quickly, I think it’s unfair to his new chick that he’s jumping into a new relationship without working on himself. It’s not fair to her that he isn’t being up front about his porn addiction. He says he has told her a lot and that he is an addict. He says she didn’t judge him, and that she also watches porn, goes to strip clubs, and has toys. I highly doubt she’s consuming as much porn as him or playing with herself as often as he plays with himself. Once she catches on to how bad the problem is, when she realizes he cannot maintain an erection or have an orgasm, she’s quickly going to lose interest or, even worse, start to wonder what’s wrong with her. As a woman who has dealt with this, and despite my feelings about her, no woman deserves to be put in that position. No woman deserves to feel less than because her partner cannot control his sexual urges.

He is going to latch on to the fact that she watches porn and goes to strip clubs and think that gives him free reign to do whatever he wants. I know none of this is my problem anymore. It’s just stuff I think about.

They plan on trying to have kids. That one hurts. I was never able to get pregnant. I wanted more than anything to be a mom, and he wanted a family, too. I always felt so guilty that I couldn’t give him that.

Anyway, he is moving mid November. (Our wedding anniversary would be November 15th.) I feel like I am just waiting for him to actually leave so that I can properly move on. Properly grieve. I have a feeling I’m going to enter the angry phase when he’s gone. It’s like I haven’t been allowing myself to feel that while he’s still here because he obviously still has some power over me. And I fucking hate myself for that, and I really need to start hating him.

My sister is taking her kids to Las Vegas Sunday-Wednesday, so I’ll be home alone for five days. Other than during a work day, I haven’t really been home alone in two months. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle that mentally. I’m not allowed to have a man over here, the ex is absolutely banned from coming over (I wouldn’t let him anyways), and I don’t really have any friends. The one friend I do have is still letting my ex live with her, so I can’t just go hang out with her. Plus, she’s in her own little honeymoon phase of a relationship. I work from home, so being trapped in a house alone for that long might affect my mental health a little. Luckily, I’ll still have to work and take care of the dogs, so I won’t just be able to mope in bed all day. But I do worry sometimes about my state of mind.

Until next time.