hello old friend

Well, it’s been a very long time.  A lot has changed.  I’m a homeowner, a maker of things, and learning how to wire up houses.  I have a big cute fluffy dog named Quigley.  He came from the pound and he’s part Australian Shepherd and part Great Pyrenees.  He’s about 6 years old now, and I love him.

Rachel and I have been divorced for awhile now.  She came out to me as queer the day before our 1 year wedding anniversary.  May 30th, 2014.  We tried different things for awhile before finally doing the paperwork and getting divorced in 2017.

I still haven’t really recovered.

I went dating crazy for awhile.  Drank a lot, had a lot of sex.  This was all much easier pre-pandemic.  Eventually I met a local baker, who I fell head over heels for.  It was hectic.  I think we broke up a total of 3 times, with the third time being the last (April 1, 2020).  It was so unhealthy all around.  She’s extremely avoidant.  I am realizing that in a lot of ways I am avoidant as well.

I’ve been leaning into single life.  I think I’ve finally come to be comfortable without the constant external validation that comes with serial dating.  But I’m also realizing that dating gives me motivation.

I’ve been so incredibly sad lately.  Sometimes I imagine my heart is an old clay jar.  It’s wrapped up in layers and layers of clear tape, but its been smashed over and over again.  Its completely fucking broken and I don’t think it can ever not be.  I feel so broken.

But staying single isn’t really helping anymore.  In fact, I think I’ve been getting sadder for a long time now.  I don’t really know what I need, but I think I’ve been alone for long enough.