I will take this as a small chance to be honest.

I became a bad person. You can now call me a bad person.

I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to say to you. Consequences. That’s what I’m trying to spell out. That’s how I feel right now, that’s what I think about.

Others knew of my bad-person-ness. But because you didn’t know, I wasn’t one. Yet.

I asked forgiveness, but not to you. To my friends, to the people that I care about their opinion, that’s who I asked forgiveness of.

Of my image.

(I know that should be whom.)

Is it one of the worst things? I know it’s not well respected. It’s wrong, of course, but what do people think of it. Does that matter. That sort of thing.

Well, I am going to stop thinking that way.

It matters. To me. What kind of person am I now, and this isn’t an apology. This is me, figuring out.

(So don’t get angry if I’m thinking about me.)

Regarding me: people do make mistakes. Wrong, hurtful things. And I don’t know why, quite, I did it. I thought love conquered these things.

This is the Jon show, correct? This is where Jon triumphs, where Jon gets the girl, where Jon isn’t a bad person. Right?

And I’m not gonna blame it on anyone else, or say anyone led me astray. I made the choice. It was free will.

So who does that make me, the original question asks.

I hated Mike, on and off for the past 8 months. Including yesterday. Why?

I guess because I didn’t like who I had come to know, as if it were all before fake. But what about me. Several, several chances to come out and tell him. That I made a mistake, and look at my character, but I didn’t do it. But I didn’t do it.

I am no better than the fake that I thought he once was.

I asked God’s forgiveness, once it crossed my mind enough times that it actually was wrong. I asked Heather’s forgiveness.

And I felt forgiven.

But not enough, and it’s out now, and now it’s truly over. This is a good thing, and I’m sorry Mike I really am. This is a horrible thing that I’ve done to you, and it really does show my character.

I am happy though, that now – oh shut up. This entry shouldn’t be about me anymore.

But oh well. It will be.

I don’t know if I hate Mike anymore and I don’t know if I’ll have him around to test it. I know I probably don’t like him, at least.

And I know he hates me, how can he not.

But I do ask forgiveness, if you ever read this, and I feel clean of it now, not that it makes you feel any better.

I did wrong. This is not my show. This is a world, and I fucked up. And I sure hope everyone can move on and become better.

That would be my dream. I hope to have good ones from now on.

jon