dec 27

i can’t sleep because my mind can’t stop thinking about the reasons i hate myself or things that make me feel hopeless. the last couple months have just spiralled. i’ve had so many happy moments but at the end of the day they’re all overshadowed by my disordered eating, perfectionism, anxiety&guilt and just this feeling of disappointment in myself.

i’ve promised myself so many times i’m going to change. at one point in my life i used to mistake anxiety for productivity and basically worry myself into getting things done. i just want to be productive and happy consistently.

i’ve put weight on really fast recently. i struggled with anorexia/purposely under fuelling for probably 2 years whilst i was calorie counting. now i’ve gained a lot of the weight back through binge eating. it’s weight i shouldn’t have lost in he first place but i hate the way i look. my family are so proud of me but they don’t know how much these extra pounds are making me hate myself. i miss my smaller body. i feel greedy and gross. binge eating used to be something that happened maybe once a month however, now it’s the holidays and i don’t have things that i can invest myself into, i’ve just been bingeing every other day, sometimes consecutive days. it’s so fucking scary.

i feel a hopelessness about the future. i’m such a determined. driven person but because of my shit mental headspace i’ve lost that belief and drive.

my goal is to not fucking give up i am going to eat healthier, focus on my future, care for myself and be the girl that i dream of being