stuff

So Daniel and I had an amazing night last night.
He got me to talk about things that I don’t normally share. I talked about my feelings and yea…it was awkward at first but it was also pretty sweet.
 
So he asked me stuff like how I felt about him and how I feel about the situation and whatnot…
 
I’m not sure how to explain how I feel about Daniel…Its not love…it can’t be its literally been a month. But, these are much stronger than simply liking him. I care deeply about him and want him to be happy. It is basically like the starting stages of love I guess….I can see us going somewhere and the potential of us falling deeply in love in pretty high if we continue with each other as we are.  Its weird. All I know is..
 
He became really special to me very quickly. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t ever want to lose him.
 
Even if we don’t work out romantically…I wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend either.
 
Anyway, then late last night I was thinking about everything. He noticed something was wrong. So he asked and I told him I was scared. He said me too. I asked him what he was scared of. And he responded hurting me. He doesn’t want to hurt me which is really sweet. 
 
"It’s like holding a blown glass figurine. So fragile the risk of breaking it is so high you don’t even want to pick it up. But I already picked you up. And I don’t want to put you back down for the life of me. I want you to be mine." (not exact but basic gist)
 
I almost teared up at that…That was probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. He wants to break up with his girlfriend. He feels trapped. But, what if he still has feelings for her?
 
He’s not sure if he would want to go any father in our relationship. Like me becoming his girlfriend. Honestly, I don’t know either. 
 
I’m scared. I’m scared to possibly fall for yet another guy and get my heart torn out again. I mean look what Alex did. After four years and he treats me like this in college. Doesn’t ever want to talk to me. Doesn’t change anything. Sucky sex life. Like come on. One person can not keep a long distance relationship together. 
 
Alex knew I have issues with long distance too. I fucking tried. I tried so hard and I changed so much. I changed so much. I became a much better girlfriend than I ever was before. All for someone who doesn’t care anymore. 
 
I’m tired of bullshit. I tired of Alex.
 
Alex said he wants to be friends and be best friends because we’re so close. But, "it hurts" too much to talk to me right now. Like ok. Fine. But, at least let me know that you’re ok. Apparently he’s healing though since we’re not talking. 
 
I cried today while on the phone with him. He didn’t even try and comfort me. I mean like damn do you not care that much. I get we’re broken up but damn you could still show you care a little when I’m extremely upset. Thanks a lot some "best friend" you are. I hate him sometimes. But, I think a part of me still loves him. Or something. I don’t know. 
 
I’m being selfish though….he needs time.
 
Kind of why I’m afraid to be with Daniel. I’m afraid of hurting him. I don’t want to be with him if I can’t get over someone else. I don’t want to hurt him. Sadly, I come with some baggage. 
 
I can’t put Daniel through that it isn’t right. I hope I don’t hurt him.
 
Maybe I’ll back off. Maybe I should back off. Maybe I should just stop before either of us gets hurt. 
 
I don’t want to though.
 
*sigh* I don’t know. I just wish I could see into the future. 
 
*bigger sigh* his girlfriend is probably going to call him soon. Better go brace myself. 
 
Yesterday was funny. He was turning me on while on the phone with his girlfriend.
 
Oh! I admitted I’m jealous of his girlfriend. Yea. I am. But, I feel like a hypocrite because like I get to have what she doesn’t have. Time with him together. All she has is a title that I’m not even sure I want. I don’t know…
 
*sigh* why am i so upset?

I’m done for the night.

*Sandra*