everything is gonna be alright.

it makes me sad to read the previous entries, so I won’t. I could just delete it and pretend like we never struggled, but that would be dishonest and I would still know. The point is that I am just really happy, excited, and peaceful right now. chase and i have grown a love that is honest and unbreakable. it is sweet freedom. it is home. i am loved and cherished and i love and cherish.i am taking care of myself nd have lost alot of weight. i have forgiven harold for the struggles he put us through. i even miss him. just yesterday i found my uncle phil and  cousins on Facebook. i havent had much contact with them my  life. we have similar facial features. my grandparents must be smiling down on us for reconnecting. i dont think i will ever know why my dad and his brother dont keep in touch e. my uncle seems like a really great guy and i feel like its just not fair that i have missed out on knowing that side of family. so i am trying to change that. i am also trying to get pregnant. i think it may actually be possible. i am overwhelmed by all there is to say and the fact that i will leave so much out that is worth remembering. i t log in for months after tonite. i wish opendiary was something i was more commited to. but honestly, the less i am  here, it just means  am out in the real world just living life and happy. i am much more poetic when i am depressed. now i  happy and dont have stuff to say all the time. tomorrow n and i are taking mom and dad out for an ary lunch. chase has to work. i wanted him tosee them open their gag gift. we t them an elephant trunk gstring and a can of peanuts. 🙂 tonite i went to tony and robins. tony grilled pork steak and built a fire. the kids jumped on the trampoline and played with the animals. robin sent me ome with pictures she took of the kids, a pork steak for chase, and tony sent him a breakfast beer with coffee in it. it has been a  great day. chase will be on dayshift soon hopefully. before he went to work tonite we had sex and it was awesome. he gave me a poem he wrote for me while he was at work last nite. it is beautiful. i wonder if we conceived today. probably not, but if so, it would be a dream come true.


i know this was rambling and that’s ok. it is but a snapshot of a single moment in a long life. there will be days in my life colder and bleaker than this beautiful one by far. it is my hope that these small details will be enough to keep the memory and feeling of days like this alive. it will keep me warm on the cold days until the sun comes out again.


it is one in the morning. i am tired. goodnite future self and future friends. 🙂 




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April 6, 2013

You have to understand that when you leave it open-ended like that, I have a very hard time *not* saying something deliberately provocative. How about this: You’ll likely decide you sincerely dislike me in the near future, few weeks, few months.

April 10, 2013

Welcome back.

April 11, 2013

Sure it is for now. But honesty is not what you want. It’s not what people want. People want to have fun. They want to enjoy themselves. They want to be stroked a bit and encouraged. I don’t generally do that. I’m much more harsh than I expect you’re used to. *shrug*