i bet you feel this way sometimes, too

 

 

 

 

It’s raining so hard outside right now. I’m thankful for the thunder. I just felt like posting bits of myself for you guys to see. I need a friend and the closest thing I’ve got to one right now is this diary. Won’t show this part of me to people. I love people but I have a hard time letting them love me.  I’m feeling scattered and unfocused, and lonely. I have a great life,  friends and family.  I should be so happy. But right now, I’m not. I’m just so damn depressed and I wish I could just get over it and have fun with life.  I just feel…empty and invisible. If you knew me in person, you’d never know that I’m falling apart. I know I’ll feel better soon…I’m just impatient. Sorry about the negativity…. Here’s what I’ve been writing the past week or two… bits of unfinished songs and poetry and silliness.

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I found freedom

in the eyes of that boy.

I found freedom

when it came bustin through my door.

I said come on baby,

you better lay that heartache down .

You’ve found no one to love you

oh cause you don’t know how.

But oh don’t you worry

oh cause I’m gonna be the one.

I’m gonna open up a good book

about a Father and his Son.

You better get your spirit ready

Oh, cause I’m gonna show you love.

And when I get done with you boy

you aint gonna need that gun

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Hush little baby, don’t you cry.

Mama’s got an airtight alibi.

And if my alibi falls through,

I’ll just hire a fancy Jew.

And if the Jew won’t take the case,

I’ll kill the witness and throw him in the lake

By the time the cops are on to me,

We’ll have our toes in the sand of a Mexican beach.

So hush little baby, don’t you cry

Cause mama’s got an airtight alibi.

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So you want to hear a story

‘bout when I was just a child

But I tell my story different

almost every single time.

Cause I just can’t remember

what parts I’m not supposed to tell.

Big man said if they knew,

they’d send me straight to hell.

But, oh don’t you worry.

Now I know that’s not true.

Because: there’s no heaven or hell

Babe, it’s just me and you.

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Thankful I am to a woman I don’t know, who breathes life into the man whose name is now my own. Making love to me, eyes closed, he sees her face as he imagines it to be. If I close mine, too, I can imagine this passion is for me.

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His fingers moved over my skin as if he meant to drink me in. Careful not to miss a drop, he lingered on my sweetest spot. Eyes closed, breathless words a whispered plea “don’t stop.”

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Forgiveness is a place with a membership fee.

It’s a big box store of hope for you and for me.

The more you buy, the more you save,

On a world of endless possibility.

Debts are paid not with a check,

But through grace and humility.

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When I was younger, I would boast

About thoughts that I had

And things I had done.

Now I boast about not boasting.

Aren’t you amazed

At how much I’ve grown?

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