Unnecessary Pressure on Myself

So I guess my diary here is “free” from time to time, I don’t know if it’s yearly or just if I don’t log into my account for a while and then do. Ever since I reactivated my old journal, I’ve still wanted to keep it alive at the very least because it holds so much ties to my past that I want to occasionally look back on, even if the cringe is ever real. But sorry, you will never catch me paying any kind of monthly fee or even a one time fee just to be able to write down my thoughts and feelings and experiences. Sorry not sorry.

Anyways, last year I was trying to work through some Shadow Work exercises to use as journal prompts. And some of them I feel like were very relevant to me, sometimes it was easier to write some more than others. But when I initially set out to do it, I was like, “I’m going to do every single one of these prompts!” But I’ve realized about a year later that some of them really don’t apply much to me, or that I don’t have a good answer to whatever the prompts were. And now I’m just kinda like, “That’s okay, you need to focus more on what actually applies to you, and maybe just keep note of the other prompts in case they might be helpful later, or if you could help someone else if the prompt is more relevant to their life” yadda yadda.

This is becoming immediately relevant because I do have a newish friend that is struggling with some things, and I browsed through some of the past books I’ve read, and my workbooks and I’m trying to see if any of my resources can help this friend. And then that inspired and encouraged me to start flipping through the prompts again to see if any were relevant to me in this particular moment in time.

Long story short, I’m writing this to remind myself that it’s okay not to just complete everything in a workbook just for completion sake. I feel like the late-onset overachiever in me wants to complete everything to say I can do it and feel accomplished. But I am trying to appreciate that it’s better to just lock in and focus on what is more immediately helpful, what would actually help me progress. To not waste time on prompts or exercises that would keep me stumped because I don’t have a good answer to it. Because it just doesn’t apply to me, it’s not relevant. I’m taking a step back from the polarized thinking “you either complete all of them or what’s the point” and entering the nuanced zone “you don’t need to do everything, work at your own pace, listen to what you need at the moment, relevancy matters” etc etc. Because the more I push myself to do things that I don’t want to do, or don’t apply to me, the more I shut down and the more unmotivated I become.

I do want to come back to this journal to keep it active but maybe use it as an opportunity to do the prompts and exercises that I feel best suit me. To keep growing and healing. And maybe this journal will evolve and be used for some other purpose too, and that’s also okay. I guess I do make a lot of sweeping declarations that keep changing amd updating as the years go by. But I think for now I’ll just embrace that I like to make sweeping declarations and also just leave room for evolution and change too.