How Long, How Long Have I Been Down?

“But I learn that moving on
Is where I must begin.
‘Cause when our colors mixed,
We couldn’t fix
The way they wouldn’t blend.”
-Blue October, Been Down

My life has become very drab and ordinary the past little bit, and the part of me that wishes that would change gets shouted down by the rest of me that is okay with mediocrity. I keep having ideas of ways to live a life that seems more in line with the one that I wanted to have, but they seem so remote and forbidding.
I wish that I could just commit to something, you know? Because that’s my main problem, that the only things that I’m committed to are the same things I’ve been doing for years. And that’s not really commitment, that’s routine. My strange reticence at being something new.
I feel so dull and boring. I’m barely interesting enough to hold my own attention, let alone draw in anybody else, which is a very bad way to be when you’re as lonesome as I feel these days.
It’s intermittent, though. I’m not lonesome all the time. But some nights I just feel so alone that I have to make it so, and I go out to someplace I know that nobody will bother me. Sit and read and think about what I could do to make things better for myself, and know in my heart I won’t do them.
Because the only way I know how to deal with my feelings is to wallow in them.