Emotionally Confused

The rest of 2013’s spring and summer months were an interesting mixture of events, feelings, and reflection.

I saw Dylan again very shortly after telling Travis that it was over and after kissing Lala. I’m not sure why. Actually, I never fully understand what pulls me towards him. He and I have discussed several times what our relationship truly means. We’ve always had chemistry and attraction. That has never lacked in the slightest. I think it’s timing; the timing is never and has never been right. Actually, more accurately, he’s got a gypsy soul and I’ve always been a dreamer. To quote that song by Zac Brown Band, “She said you’re a ramblin’ man and you ain’t ever gonna change. You’ve got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for leavin’.” He says, “You’re a lover, I’m a runner and we go ’round and ’round.” Pretty much sums it up.

I remember asking Dylan one night if he was seeing anyone else besides me. He told me no. I hadn’t told him about that kiss I shared with Lala.

Another memory, vaguely clouded by a few beers, was a night where Dylan and I built a bonfire out in the middle of his grandpa’s field. We drank, talked, and laughed. When I told him that I was seeing Lala, he looked sad almost. This shocked me because we’ve always had the kind of open relationship where it always seemed mostly centered around just sex. There was never a clear definition as to what we were. When I asked him what he was thinking. He said, “Remember the other night when you asked me if I was seeing anyone?” I responded that I did and he said, “I guess I’m just feeling selfish.”

We spent that night in the bed of his truck, under the stars, with several blankets underneath and on top of us for warmth. He’s a selfish, yet giving lover. We fooled around for most of the night until eventually I tell him I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.

Lala is 100% a selfless lover. She was the first woman I had ever been with intimately. I had kissed one other girl before her, but she was the first woman to ever go further than that. For the first few weeks, I remember telling her that I was really shy about returning the pleasure. I was nervous that I wouldn’t be good at it and was honestly scared. Until one night, with liquid encouragement, I returned the favor and discovered one of the best feelings in the world. To pleasure a woman like that. Completely satisfying.

Fading away from Dylan, I slowly became Lala’s girlfriend for the next few months. Now, at the time, I had moved back in with my mom to the small town that I had grown up in. This place, well, it wasn’t exactly “gay friendly.” I wasn’t loud about my relationship; actually there weren’t too many people aware that she and I were together. I remember holding her hand once as we walked into Wal-Mart with many of stares and gawking as we strolled past a variety of strangers and acquaintances. I tried not to care. But I did. I was embarrassed and actually ashamed of myself for caring what others thought. It wouldn’t be until later on in life did I truly become comfortable. More on that later.

The love language that Lala uses is that of service. She is extremely giving and likes to cater to her significant other. Although I enjoyed the way she was, I also need someone who could stand up to me. Put me in my place should I need it. I felt like I could walk all over her if I wanted to and that didn’t sit well. I also needed someone who could intellectually stimulate me. We didn’t have too many conversations that would do this. Our relationship was mostly made up of rebound feelings, beer, parties, and the newfound enjoyment of sex. I slowly figured out that Lala loved me way more than I did her. It was very obvious and my heart was telling me to end this sooner rather than later.

Now in 2020, Lala has been married for about 6 years and seems incredibly happy.

I moved in with my best friend’s friend, Rachel, after the break up with Lala. I needed to get out of my mom’s house. I’ve always been independent and didn’t enjoy feeling like I had to check in again with my parents when I was coming and going. Also, Rachel lived closer to where I was working. She will become one of my best friends.

I forgot to mention that after the separation from Travis, I decided that my current job was also making me extremely unhappy. I loved working with the clients, but that wasn’t really my job. I was a manager so I worked with the staff and administration mainly. I always said I loved the 2% of my job which involved the one on one time I got with the clients. So, without securing a new job first, I put in a month’s notice. It was a crazy thing to do; but I felt insanely confident. About a week after my final day, I got a call that I had gotten a position with a mental health organization as a case manager. August 30th, 2013 was the day I would begin.

After Lala, Dylan and I went back to using each other occasionally for sex. It was sporadic and I knew he was also hooking up with at least one other person. I didn’t really care much because I didn’t want anything serious anyway. He was my friend too, remember. He was someone I could talk to. He was also the only person who knew what I had done during my marriage and therefore, the only one I felt I could talk to and process this with.

There’s one night that I regret that summer and that was the night I hooked up with Travis. It was the 4th of July and we had both been drinking. He made his way over to my new pad and we stood outside reminiscing and drinking wine. We talked about our relationship and what went wrong. I had several things that I hadn’t had the chance to get off my chest and needed him to hear. He also stated that he regretted not fighting hard enough to keep me. To date, that was actually the last time I saw Travis. I told him that there was no purpose in going backwards. We should only be moving forward.

Little did I know then, the next thing coming would alter me in a way that I never thought possible. It changed my character. It changed my heart and fucked with my head. The next few years, I didn’t feel like myself. It was as if I was sitting in the clouds watching some other girl taking a horror film and creating it in real life.

It was that thing. That thing I told you about before. The worst thing I’ve ever done.