Introduction

A little about me and why im writing here…

From here on out im gonna refear to my self as Jenn,  this is not even closely related to my name and i want to remain unknown. so here goes.  Im married and i have two healthy children  my husband was in the army and served 16 months in iraq.  when he came home we got pregnant with our 3rd child.  She was born on Veterans Day. Unfortunatly she was born premature and had some birth defects that we at the time didnt know about.  20 days after she was born she passed away due to respitory failure.  This was really hard for me to deal with and i think in some way i lost my mind.  i started having bouts of anxiety attacks and drove my family and husband in sane with trips to the e.r. for chest pains and compley not understanding what was going on with my body.  Eventually i went to a phsych ward by my own request because i was scarred for my self.  they had me on all kinds of medicine and i didnt even know who i was anymore.   i stoped taking all the meds they gave me and i got better.. i was doing great.. things in our life eventually got back to normal.

my ob/gyn told me that the chance of something like this happening to us again was about 1 % so that kinda put the idea in my head that hey we could probaly try again later on when we were ready.    Sure enough almost 3 years later we got pregnant again. Only this time it was soo different. i had never been sick before untill this pregnancy.. everything i ate i threw up. i felt bad the hole time.  but every ultrasound prooved to show nothing wrong and we were constantly reasured the baby was great..  It was a boy! how exciting!    then i develped pre-eclampsia and got admitted to the hosp that day. the sent me to a bigger hosp with a nicu in case.  a week went by and i was getting worse my lungs filled up with fluid because my bp was so high.  they finaly induced me and i had him.. on my husbands birthday!   when we was born they had to vent him and it went down hill.. he had pulmonary hypertension and very similar birth defects that my daughter had. genetics then said one of us was carrying a gene for a certain syndrome.. that being unknown.   well 10 days after he was born.. he was slipping away..his organs were shutting down and we made the very hard decision to take him off the vent. we felt it would be less suffering for him..       this time i havent reacted teh same way i did with my daughter.  i havent brocken down lik ei did before and i dont know if its because i know what to expect or what.  i always say i lived a parents worst nightmare twice.

but what got me writing is because tonight i was lying here thinking about my life.    i go to college full time so that i can be a nurse (because of what happened to me i want to help others) i work every weekend outside of school as a cna and when im not doing those im still a mother  of two and a wife.   im soooo tired and i was wondering why am i doing this.. and i think i figured it out.   i blame my self for what has happened.  i know that i didnt directly cause this or want this but it was my body that created these babies so in a way i blame me. so i think that the reason i started work and school is because i want to make up for it in some way. i want my family n loved ones. people in my life to be proud of me.  not that they arent or feel that i did this.. i just feel like it i guess. 

im just lost and im fighting so hard not to take my self back to that dark place.. i dont want to be that i dont want to feel that. and ill never understand why i even have to be in this situation that it has to be a struggle for me not to cry for my children