Every time I think about Christmas I fight the tears that quickly well up. I thought that I could somehow be at least ‘ok’ without spending Christmas with Joe but I was so very, very wrong. I thought since I was able to spend some amazing quality time with him a few weeks before Christmas that it would help and while I cherish every moment I spent with him, Christmas without him is just breaking my heart. I did the ‘a present a day’ thing to help him get through this holiday since this is the first Christmas in 13 years that he won’t be spending it with his step-son there(whom he loves like his own) and I knew it would help us both to feel closer, it was also a way for me to be there when I physically couldn’t be…yet it has not taken away any of the pain of not spending Christmas with him. I just feel so crushed. It feels so very wrong to be spending it apart. I’ve brought it up a few times since tickets are cheap still and one of us could fly to the other on Christmas evening(which would have to be me since he works the entire week after) but he could be with his parents and extended family Christmas eve and Christmas day and I would spend those times with my kiddo and family…then we’d have Christmas evening plus at least a couple of days after to spend together. I have not told him how devastated I feel…I don’t want to make things even harder on him…but trying to suppress it is eating me alive. I just don’t know what to do.