So, I was video chatting(as usual since we are in different states) with Joe last night. I stated talking about Valentines Day and, again, fussing because it’s on a Wednesday. I finally told him that I know he has to work but I wanted to come see him anyway even though I know we won’t get as much time together and that I cherish the time we do get to spend together. His face lit up with that gorgeous smile and adorable dimples, both of which I love and make me melt, and he said “You are the polar opposite of Cruella!” He has known me for 23 years so he already knows this but after what she put him through he is still surprised when things like that come up(which is often). Yes, she and I are as much of polar opposites as you can get. She is narcissistic, rude, demeaning, disrespectful, cruel, selfish, unkind, extremely assertive, dominant, very girly, high maintenance, etc. I am very kind, caring, loving, giving, supportive, generous, submissive, not extremely girly, passionate, respectful, etc…I am emotional so I guess I can be viewed has high maintenance sometimes but no where near her level, even at my worst! Now I know that my anxiety probably plays a huge part in this but I find myself wondering how could he love her, especially enough to marry her, instead of being with me?

When we were “together” about 21 years ago we broke up because we had gotten together too soon after his fiance left him and I was crushed but we stayed best friends. I was the first to make a huge mistake after that and get married(briefly) a couple of years later…I did it too quickly because he was from another country and his visa was ending so it was either get married or break up. Then 17 years ago, after I separated from my husband and the divorce was filed, I went to visit Joe and had hoped to get back together because I never stopped loving or wanting him and always have believed he is my soulmate. Well, for some reason we never did get back together, quite possibly due to my divorce taking forever or even because I had gotten married in the first place…neither of us can really say why because we both agree we’ve always been amazing together. Over a year later I finally gave up and got into another relationship. About 3 years after that he and Cruella got together. I left my relationship after about 7 years or so due to being cheated on. Joe married Cruella after being with her for 4 years(so 9 years ago). I was devastated. In a way I had no right to be because I had married first but I knew it was a mistake(and so did Joe) and tried to make everything right. It shattered me into a million pieces because I knew that once Joe was married he wouldn’t be the one leaving the marriage and what woman in her right mind would ever leave such an amazing man??? Something deep inside told me that our story wasn’t over yet but I forced myself to give up on that fairy tale and bury my feelings the best that I could. I found someone that gave me a sliver of the connection that Joe and I had…it turned into two years of hell with a bi-polar man that refused to get any sort of help but I finally walked away. From that point the only significant relationship was about 1.5 years of off and on. In truth I never should have been in any of those relationships…I was merely trying to put a band-aid on my broken heart and find a way to move on without the person I wanted most in this world. So for the most part of the last 7 years I have been single, by choice, because I knew the void in my heart would never be filled by anyone but Joe. I chose to merely exist for the most part and focused on being a phenomenal single mom to my little boy.

Joe has been my best friend all of these years…we kept in contact as much as possible but couldn’t talk all of the time due to Cruella’s, rightful, jealousy of me. I have always said that I never blamed her for it because I’d feel the same way if I were her…I knew she would never have with him what he and I have…but there was no way I was going to interfere with their marriage. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that this is how things were always meant to be…I can even list quite a few reasons as to why. When we got back together I told him that I never stopped loving him and wanting him…he challenged that so I asked “So, are you honestly going to tell me that you stopped loving me?” He said, “I can’t answer that…if I say yes then I’d be lying and if I so no then I never should have gotten married.” He and I both have majorly screwed up with each other in the past and it’s finally time for us to make everything right so it can be how it always should have been…he has also said this a few times in so many words.

With all of that being said, why does it bother me so much that she is completely opposite of me since I have always known she’d never have what I have always had with him? Is my anxiety and fear of abandonment and/or not being good enough that strong? Why can’t I stop worrying that there was something I am lacking that she gave to him and that’s why he married her? (Yes, that question seems absurd since I married first, even if briefly, but it still goes around in my head.) How could such a horrible person even have something to give him that I don’t? Anxiety seriously sucks!