It has been so long since I’ve written…since Open Diary closed…that I hardly know where to even begin this. I have come here many times to write but always left without saying a word. I asked myself “What is different this time?” and the reply was almost “I don’t know” but I do, in fact, know. He is the difference and the situation that I have found myself in. Found…yes, I have finally found many things, including myself. I guess I could say that I even found “him” again. He was known as “Joe” in my other diary that, ironically, has long been lost. I guess the perfect place to start would be to talk about “Joe”, especially since he is where so many things in my life started.

“Joe” is my soulmate, my best friend, my heart, the love of my life, the man I have an unbelievable connection with and, up until recently, he was that ache that seared deep in my soul that I would never have admitted except for hidden in an anonymous diary. For so many years I pressed on, trying to hide the fact that he was the only person I’ve ever truly wanted since I was 16yo. For so many years I swallowed my feelings, my words and the ache of not being able to be by his side. For so many years something deep inside me told me that one day we’d be together again and I held tight to that hope even when it became but a grain when he got married. Now, 23 years after he and I met, things have come full circle. Now, his marriage(because of her) is nothing but a piece of paper that will soon be shredded and cast into the wind. Now, he is mine and I am his…how it always should have been even though we know that things have went how they are supposed to. Part of me is unbelievably happy, euphoric and feeling like my fairy-tale has come true…yet the other part of me is sad and angry because of all of the horrible things she is doing, because of how it hurts him which in turn hurts me and because I still have to keep my feelings hidden from most of the world until the divorce is final. That day that I have waited so very long for has finally come and we still have to wait to run into each-others arms and I still cannot be completely free with my feelings. It is worth it. I am still happy. But it is excruciating nonetheless. It feels like finally having the door opened to your cage but still being trapped inside of it.

There is much more to the story, to why I am left running here to vent my emotions but that will have to wait for another entry because, tonight, I am drained and I need to go get lost in Netflix so that my mind can have a moments rest.

Goodnight.

To “Joe”, in case you ever read this someday, I meant what I said tonight…I knew what was coming and I made the choice(that I would make over and over again) to dive in anyway. You know one of my favorite quotes, “It’s not about weathering the storm, it’s learning to dance in the rain.” My love, we will do just that and we will be stronger for it. No more moments will pass that aren’t cherished nor will more time be wasted.