There is something dark inside of me.

Vague, yes, I know. But it’s true. It’s not exactly news to people who know me that I have constant mood swings. I’m beginning to think, however, that it’s more than that. I think I might have bipolar. Thanks dad. I think that there is something truly wrong with me. Like a darkness inside so strong, it’s almost tangible. No, I’m not here to tell you that there are literal demons possessing me. Though I do wonder if this, at first glance powerful, feeling can be used as some sort of psychological weapon. I have a slight charisma. It makes people around me think that I am safe, innocent, and true. Like I could never hurt anyone. But what if they are wrong? The thought of hurting others for no good reason disgusts me. But what happens when I snap? will I just collapse from a lack of will to live? Or will I use my new bound uncompassionate-self to hurt the ones I love so dearly. When the shields and walls come down will people see someone who needs love and protection or someone who has built them in the hopes of protecting others? I don’t know anymore. Is it pathetic of me to know so much about the outside world and so little about who I truly am? All I know is that I long and wish for someone to care for me and love me no matter the outcome. Don’t we all?


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February 13, 2022

Hold strong. You are fine.

May 25, 2023

You are not alone. You may not feel amazing but I’m sure others think of you a lot.