10/24/02

I wish…that I could communicate to people better. Like, no one ever knows when I’m mad at them. Because I hide it, because I don’t want to offend them. But then when I get TOO mad I just blow up at them….and then they feel really bad….You know, I’ve been called many things, but “non-offensive” is not one of them. So I’m just wondering: why not? To me, it seems like I’m non-offensive to a fault. I don’t have an equal relationship with a single one of my friends–they’re all mostly one-sided, either for them OR for me, because they just dont know when I can’t stand what they’re doing. For friends who are closer to me than I am to them, they can’t tell when I don’t want them around. And I always say “yes” if they want to do something. So how in the HELL are they supposed to know when I don’t want to see them!? And for friends that I depend on too much, the littlest thing that they say that indicates they might not really NEED me just….crushes me, and I feel horrible. But they don’t know, because I laugh it off. I’m a dependent avoidant emotional high-maintenance friend–but can I add non-offensive to that list??

Well, I guess I can’t. Because when I DO blow up I think that I am very offensive. But isn’t this true for everyone? Maybe non-offensive is the wrong term…maybe passively nice?

PLEASE people. PLEASE. Every single person who is reading this is a great person and this is NOT meant to insult any of you. This is a problem I have, and it in no way reflects on you. Please…I hope I’m not offending anyone!!

Uh-huh…if this makes no sense, as it suspect it doesn’t, then just leave me a note saying so. Please. I’ll clarify it. This was sort of a stream of consciousness brought on by two successive events…yeah.