bitching

*cries*

I think I’m going to quit horseback riding….I’m getting worse at it, if such a thing is possible, instead of better. I just need to face up to the reality that I have absolutely NO ability at the sport, and just sort of leave it at that. I’m not the sort of person who can be happy with mediocrity, ever. And that’s what I would need to settle for, in riding. I’m going to take my last lesson tomorrow and then just sort of leave well enough alone.

I really don’t have any sense of responsibility either….my God….I never really do enough, do I? I let people down even when I don’t have to….thats the twisted part. I have other options, and I still let people down. Why??!?

I really can’t be happy with myself if I’m only mediocre at what I love to do. And I’m incredibly lucky, in all areas of my life. I live a life that millions of people envy. And I can’t fucking make the most of what I have, and I can’t fucking be HAPPY with what I have, and…..fuck it. *shrugs* I guess riding was good while it lasted….9 years is a long time. Too bad I’m actually worse than most people who’ve been riding for 2 or 3 years, no joke. I wish I could just enjoy it for what it is….a good time connecting with wonderful animals…..but I can’t. I just can’t. And that’s pathetic. But I just .can’t.

*cries for real*

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6/6/2003

Now that was sort of sad…..*looks at above entry with a combination of amusement and disgust* Get a grip, Emily. Heh….you guys should have seen me when I fell off for the first time….I hid in a closet and cried for hours. I don’t take blows lightly when they concern riding….so what if I’m not the best, so what if I’ll never make a career out of horses. It doesn’t matter. I love them, and that’s what counts. *nods decisively* Yeah. 😛

….just who are you trying to fool here?….

one fine day

June 8, 2003

((hugs)) emerly…I’m sorry that you feel this way:-( I can understand the not being happy with mediocrity….but really hon, you’re not a disappointment to everyone…at all! I guess I can only speak for myself and maybe a couple others…but I know that at least to me and Mr.Eeyom (at least!!) you aren’t a disappointment. I love you lots, and I think that you’re awesome!~

I quit things I’m mediocre at too… like piano. And now my 8-year-old sister is better than me, which just makes me feel worse. Hope things are going well otherwise. And happy graduation… coming up soon, right?

I hope you won’t give up on learning to enjoy things that you don’t excel at – sometimes it’s enough just to like doing something, even if you’re only average at it.

Outsider

September 30, 2003

Okay yeah i know this is a long time ago but I figured I’d catch up. I have had many days where I have felt the same way about horseback riding, but I got a new teacher this year and she’s GREAT! I also have the same feelings baout all these people riding better than me who shouldn’t. It’s wierd but i feel like it’s a confidence thing and that i could ride as well as the next..but not. yeah.. LoL.