fa la la la la…..

So Aaron and Alex and I were just watching this movie, Benny and Joon (GREAT movie, by the way :)) and there is this scene where the main character Joon, who is schizophrenic, has a psychotic episode on a bus, and so she’s wringing her hands and rocking back and forth and talking to herself. See, I can actually identify with that. That’s why I love the quote “Crazy is just you and me amplified.” It’s so true. When I get really anxious, that’s so what I get like….not on a bus, or anything. But in the safety of my own room with no one else around? I rock, I talk, I cry, I whimper. I pace and I hyperventilate and I argue with myself out loud. I’m not crazy, I know I’m not. But yet, sometimes, I swear I look just like Joon did….

I’m pretty anxious right now, and I’m not entirely sure why. Some of it is definitely fear about vacation ending–I’m TERRIFIED to go back to school for ten weeks. I’m scared because college is terrifying to me. I like Carleton, oh god I really do. It’s great. But I don’t have a safe place there yet, at all, and so its basically a 1000 mile trip to do really difficult things, day in day out, for ten weeks, on my own, with no breaks to feel safe for a bit like I had in the fall when Aaron visited. Its hard. Its really hard. And I’m terrified. *starts to cry*

I’m also really sad about my friends, cause sometimes they can really make me feel….unimportant? That’s not really the right word….just, that I wonder if they’re not who I thought they were, sometimes. That’s all.

And my parents….my dad kicked me today, for talking back to him. I’ve got a scrape on my leg…..it stings. But then he came up to me, and he said he was so sorry, and he hated that part of himself, and he started to cry and he asked for a hug. He said “Thanks Emso….I love you…” I’m sorry for making him cry….but my leg still hurts, and I wish I wasn’t still mad. I pretended I wasn’t, to him. But I am.

I should bed. I have work tomorrow. But this helped me feel a little less anxious, I think. I’m not so tied up now. Though, I’m still breathing really shallow and fast, and my hands are shaking and tensing involuntarily. I miss Aaron. I need cuddles for a while. Ah well. I be alright.

Johnny Law

December 22, 2003

don’t go to bed…bed is overrated

The Other Woogie

‘Sleep is for the weak. And the French.’ (I must be french, though, because I’m pretty damned sleepy.)

emerly! i had no idea school was…terrifying…to you. i mean, i can sort of see why, but there are people there who care about you and will help if they can (i.e. me). and as we are there longer, the number of these people will increase. and just think…no more bio! 😀 *hugs* enjoy your time at home, but don’t be afraid of things at carleton. the sanghas will continue, and we will be there…

…for you! if there’s anything i can do, you have only to let me know – you know where to find me. miss you! love, bethy

mess up it

Anxiety… I know of that too well… anyway, hope it subsides, it always does eventually and a new one will take its place, but that’s life…

Violet Librarian

December 23, 2003

To bring back and old standby, “Anxiety. Sucks.” You are going to be okay, though. You’ve made it a third of the way through this year, and this is the hardest year. 🙂 *huggles* You aren’t crazy. …well, no more crazy than the rest of us. We love you anyway, in spite of it, and perhaps even because of it, in a way. I’m glad that writing this helped you. 🙂 Feel better, Emerly.

hopscotch

i do a lot of things like that… in the confines of my own room… i think if i started doing them in public i would worry bout being crazy!!! xxx

Outsider

Because you are at home where it’s “safe” it’s not even relaly it’s just where you are used to, you are getting nervous about going back to being “on your own.” You are strong girl. PLus you wrote how much you love school too.. go back and read those entries=-)

hey Em, I’m sorry that this stuff is gettin you down, I’m still looking for that safe place at school as well. Its a lot harder to find than I might’ve thought. But it looks like you’ve found somebody there who’s a start. Hopefully I’ll see you soon. Merry Things.

one fine day

December 29, 2003

I’m so so sorry that you were/maybe still are feeling anxious. I can relate to the way that you were describing that you feel when you’re all alone, and anxious and don’t know what to do. It’s hard to feel that way, especially since it has to do with school, which is kind of unavoidable:- I’m so sorry you feel that way, but…I guess I hope that you know you can always talk to me ((hugs))