in summation

The bad: I felt shittier this weekend than I have felt in a long time, and some of it definitely didn’t get resolved. I feel like shit about Aaron, for no real reason except that I’m scared as fuck that I might be growing away from him. I made Beth feel bad at a time when she really didn’t need it. I don’t really know how to express what I’m feeling inside right now.

The good: After I fell apart for one of the first times here, my friends really came through for me. My core group of friends and I (Kelly, Beth, and Brandon) had a raunchy tickle/cuddlefest on Brandon’s bed, which was all kinds of wrong but very platonic. I laughed so much my abs are sore. We had an Easter egg hunt on the floor tonight, which was a lot of fun and involved a lot of chocolate. Beth is seeming more and more like someone who might stick around, and as much as I refuse to believe/trust/depend on that, it’s a nice concept to think about.

…I guess this weekend is proof of people only being able to help/hurt you so much. It was a “spat” with them that set me off, but it was really my self-perpetuated selfhatred that really got me in trouble. And when it was all better, and I had one of the best times I’ve had yet in college, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that my life was disintegrating. I have this deep ache/knot feeling inside me that is really tough to deal with–a lot of it has to do with Aaron. There is no logical reason I should be freaking out about us, but I am. I panic that we’re growing apart and that we have no longterm potential. And two weeks ago, I was more in love with him than I’ve ever been and not questioning really that much at all. I don’t know what to do. I have a feeling that talking to him about this wouldn’t make me feel any better; this has happened before and it just needs to run its course. Problem is, that really blows, and makes my life shitty until it fixes itself. I really think I’m just fucked.

Monkey See Monkey Do

April 12, 2004

Distance between hearts is always twice as long as distance between feet. I’m pretty sure i know the feeling, although i don’t want to assume i know what you’re going through. I think that everything will be good soon enough. Look forward. A person cannot wish for things to ‘go back to how they were’ because life doesn’t work like that. Every day is a whole new life. Another chance to live.

Violet Librarian

Hey…it’s Mogwit, leaving a note that Paul won’t be able to read. He’s cutting, em…and I don’t know what to do. 🙁 Talk to you whenever.

it was not a “spat.” 😉

hey thanx for ur note and for nominating that entry for readers choice. 🙂 its interesting all the different reactions u get on an entry like that. i like the atheist society quote on your front page btw. hope things sort themselves out for u. x

above note was from me. didn’t mean to be anonymous, fod signed me out.

Outsider

It is always scary being apart. Hopefully this will all get cleared up in this next month when you are back home for the summer.

one fine day

wow…I can really understand where you’re coming from ((hugs)) it’s so hard not having enough confidence to really trust that things will be okay…it’s terrifying to just have these mood swings for no real reason, and to have them affect the most important relationships you have…it’s scary too…((hugs)) I know though that things will work out. really. :)~

Your title makes me think of summation notation. …doo be doo…calculus on the braaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn… 😀

lovely and amazing

🙁 to the sadness. I’m sorry that things were bad. I’m sorry that you felt awful. But 🙂 to the fun times, like easter egg hunts. Those things rock. Cheer up.

I’m sorry that you feel so bad. I wish I could say/do something to make you feel better. Just remember that no matter what may happen with Aaron, you will always have people who love you and want you to be happy. Try to keep your spirits up, you will pull through this:-)