nihil illegitime carborundum

She would never have given it to me.

*shrugs* Am I really surprised?? I mean, I’m infinitely irritating at times–of course she’ll need somewhere to write about me. Seriously, I don’t blame her. I’m just….sad.

…right.

What if it’s back now….what if this is the real thing again….what if it doesn’t get better tomorrow…

So what do I do now? I mean, do I just sit here and write these papers and wait? Do I just sit here? Like this? I’m so BAD at taking an active role in my own life, I just ignore all my problems until they explode like a fucking time bomb in my FACE…. and look at this, here we go again.

5….4…..3….2….

“My life is one failed expectation after another.”

How TRUE is that, though….I let myself down, I let my parents down, my parents let me down, I let my friends down…..seriously. *shakes head*

*is at a loss for words*

Today was the closest I’ve been to cutting in 5 months. That’s really. really. scary. I mean, whoa. I REALLY don’t want to go back there! I’ve been feeling really fat lately too…like, I’ve finally lost control over my weight for real….I can’t handle that….

What happens if I lose my tenuous grasp on the control I have over my life, and what happens if I don’t face the tasks that are set before me, and what happens if….?

What now?