no…

Fucking hell. Motherfucking piece of shit FUCK!

High school friend of mine’s diary…she wrote an entry about how she loved college cause she was able to shed her high school image from 9th grade and make friends for who she was…..damn, did I fuck that up or what?? I hated who people thought I was in high school, so what did I do? Come to college and make the SAME FUCKING ROLE for myself! I don’t know who else to BE in huge groups of people, is the problem….I never learned how to be the sort of person I wanted to be….the people here think I’m a loud, foul-mouthed, always wacky, politically incorrect, insult people inadvertently, ditzy, open invitation for “friendly” teasing, no filter sort of person. That’s not who I am….it’s not….I swear it’s not…..*cries*

Aaron wants me to tell them they shouldn’t treat me how they do. That doesn’t make any sense…they treat me in accordance to how I act. It’s not THEIR fault I’m a pansy, and don’t act like myself around them.

I didn’t want to be the same person in college that I was in high school…what did I do….*cries more*

Aaron’s right, at least partially. It isn’t your fault, completely. People change their behavior based on what others expect. There have been studies and such, and I for one believe it… I certainly do. I’d give you advice, but I honestly have no idea what to do about that. I’m afraid it will happen to me, too, next year, because right now I feel so suffocated by “who I am”… Good luck.

Violet Librarian

January 12, 2004

*hug*The morning is wiser than the night.

=^.^= Me

note. note note note note note note note. there, note whore. love you emerly! –bethy

stardust;

January 13, 2004

*hug* well only you can change who you appear to be. xx

Outsider

Man I don’t know what to say to you about this darlin’…. but here I go. I don’t think that you have to change places or go off to college to reinvent yourself. You are strong enough to do that spur of the moment so let yourself be yourself. Know what I mean? Good luck.

The Other Woogie

You are entirely correct that in order to change people’s view of you, you must change yourself. But it is never too late to change. Just take things one day at a time, and always believe in yourself.

well first of all, if i treat you in any way that bothers you, let me know. because i have been known to be an ass. second, i don’t think you are any of those things. third, it’s not too late to change, but be who you *are,* not who you think you should be. and fourth, the people who matter will see through all that “image” crap. so yeah. love, beth(ers)

hahaha i know you did not just quote 12-step bull on me. but yes, i know. 😛

one fine day

January 14, 2004

oh…:( ((hugs)) I think I can understand where you’re coming from, with the not being able to shed an image you don’t want to have. But, for the record, I always thought you were great, and don’t have any of those bad thoughts about you. I can understand what aaron says, but also what you say in this situation about how they only treat you according to how you act. Still I’m not sure that’s…

always true, people often have the capability to treat others very unfairly, even if they don’t deserve it.Don’t convince yourself that you can’t change how they see you by telling them to stop treating you in a way you don’t like being treated.After all, standing up for yourself is one of the first step to becoming who you want to be, right? I love you hon and I’ll always think you’re great

Em, i had *no* idea that’s how you after reading that. I totally understand what you mean though, and I’ve found myself doing the same thing…even at Bowdoin. It’s not like I walked in there a new person, I was still intimidated, anxious, and always second guessing how my actions were perceived – especially in big groups. My defense mechanisms kicked in, and well I was seen as the person you…

describe yourself to be. It took “pour my soul out” bonding for me to be comfortable around maybe, oh, a grand total of 3 people. But once I broke that barrier with one person I was no longer seen as comic relief and taken seriously. IDK, I guess I’m basically saying that making one close friend there let me be myself, and let others see me as I am thru my interactions with them. Does that help???

January 21, 2004

nyeah, i guess…but i’m just failing to even break that with one close person. cept beth, sorta….and that doesnt change how my floor feels about me. i also wrote that after my entire floor grabbed me out of bed and threw me in the shower and turned it on. long story, its not quite like it sounds, but i was pretty upset. yeah….tanks, though, cow-fearing person above 🙂