rambly thing

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I disagree.

When we’re apart, we rely on words; logic solves everything, because its all we have. We say “I love you” every few minutes because it’s the obvious (ineffective) way to close the gap of distance between us. I can see his face, but it’s frame by frame in the camera, and so obviously far away that it’s almost more painful. We type *cuddles* and ((hugs)), and even though it’s oddly comforting, it’s so ineffective that sometimes it hurts more. Sometimes, the dynamic is off, and I get worried and he gets quiet and it gets worse….and it can’t be fixed, because he’s 1000 miles away and there is really only so much we can do with the distance.

When we’re together, it’s so easy….it all makes sense, there are far fewer missteps in the conversation; things are just simpler. When we’re together, words don’t get lost, and smiles are seen. And, oh, I can feel his touch; I can feel him when he holds me, stroking my hair and kissing my head and keeping me safe and sane. When I get scared, he holds me. God. THAT is so irreplaceable. That is a feeling of safety that is not anywhere else in my life. Those are the moments when I feel like everything is going to be alright. I miss that, so much.

Now I’m here, and he’s there. Six more weeks. That’s not bad. I can do that. But now, here, I’ve realized that our relationship isn’t magically perfect; that we’re not guaranteed for ever, that I can’t know for sure that he’s the one. And I loved the blind certainty I had before! I want it BACK….it was safe, I relied on it. It was the mental safety of his arms, long distance; knowing somehow that he’ll be there forever made it that much easier to be away from him. And now suddenly I’m not stupid anymore, and I’m so scared. I hate being scared.

Absence, I think, makes the heart work too damn hard. I disapprove of it. Big time.

*privatizes and unprivatizes this about 5 times before she decides to say ‘fuckit’*

*goes off to go to sleep*

EDIT: I didn’t actually intend to publicize this, this was me pondering on the untruth of the abovementioned quote, and wanting to write it out. I ‘pologize if it’s dumb. It’s 3 am. I’ll try to work on it. 😛