update :)

Hey guys 🙂

I’ve been home on vacation for six days now–sorry its been so long since I’ve written. I guess this is the first time I’ve really felt lonely for some time now, so that’s good, right? Aaron’s gone to bed, and its Sunday night, and I just feel sorta crummy for some reason. This weekend was a long-awaited whirlwind of fun, and I’m feeling the letdown now that it’s ended. WICKED was amazing, probably on my top 5 list of shows of all-time (which is saying something, lemme tell you :-P) and I cuddled with Aaron the whole ride home. Sometimes I hate that I can only call him my boyfriend, because I feel like our bond deserves a stronger word than that. A “boyfriend” connotes nothing more than a sexual partner with a base level of commitment thrown in there, and I feel like that’s a ridiculous word to describe our relationship. Erg, I’m such a romantic. 😛 I had a dream last night that I left him because I was “supposed to”, because I felt obligated to shop around some, and I just missed him so much and kept wanting to get back with him. Telling dream, that. Anyways. We went on our “first date” last night, too (we’d never really been on a date, since our relationship was an extension of friendship we’ve only really hung out in each other’s houses) and that was really fun 🙂

I don’t want this vacation to end. *waits for the gasps to subside* 😛 No, I know. But I really don’t. When I came home and I saw him, it was awkward and strange. I felt like I didn’t know what to do around him anymore, and I freaked out that I’d lost my bond with him. But now I feel as strongly as I’ve ever felt that he is my best friend, my other half–and that I want to be with him for a long, long time.

It was also really hard to see the old high school crew again. I think if it had been totally different, it would almost have been easier–but it was like it always used to be, on the surface at least. People laughed and joked and Alex talked for 15 minutes straight and Ben’s still hopelessly girl-crazy and Ellie still lies down on people when she’s tired. But it’s different. Because people moved on, they left, they grew, they changed–Ellie’s on more anti-anxiety meds than I ever was, and Ben is…*sigh*, and Alex is fine with the idea of sex. There’s–people changed more than we realized. And the fact that we didn’t recognize it, we just carried on as we knew how and ignored all the differences under the surface, that made me feel really alone sometimes. That’s all. I hate to say it, but I don’t know if I’ll stay friends with them. Maybe I will, maybe I’m wrong–I’d LIKE to be wrong. But as far as I can tell, the bond isn’t there; I don’t know if it ever was, but it’s definitely not anymore.

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good