9/6/08

they say you need to learn from your experiences. that everything happens for a reason. that you need to take something out of it all

tel me then

what do i take from this? what do i take from over two years of constant fucking misery? what do i take from the hate and rage and violence of my parents? what do i take from a year of my sister living with us and all the drama and the conflict? what do i take from stephen being out of work for a year? of the mortgge not getting paid? of the heat getting shut off? what do i take from this?

here is what i take:

i take the greatest love of my life that i would protect to the best of my ability that i would quite literally die for. i take the power of love and trust. i take hope which i think is the same thing as denial in most cases

i take strength but in these situations you have no choice sometimes.

what do i need to learn from all this? i grasp at straws over this.

and when we think its getting better (oh phone call that never came) it just gets worse (oh car that has stopped going) and worse and worse and worse (we need to move out? NOW? great) what am i suppossed to do? am i paying for some past indescretion? stephen and i have been down and out for so long. money has been fleeting to a point where we don’t make ends meet. they just don’t.

what am i learning? humility? how to ask for help? what am i suppossed to fucking learn? what does the universe want from me? how do i change this?

what needs to change? stephen needs  a job, we need an apartment, we need to dig out of debt.

who is to blame?

the famous last words that were uttered like a curse on us that night? if you fill your words with enough hate and rage do they become more powerful? how to nuetralize that anger? how to protrect myself?

is this still going back to that? or is this something new?

i need to know at some point in my life what i did to deserve this. i believ in karma. i believ that you receive what you put out into the world. when this is your belief system you dont’ believe that bad things happen to good people. you believe in you get what you give.

what have a i give? who did i hurt? what did i do? i need to know. i need to know how this balances out. is it my jealous side? is it my judgemental side? do i work on being a better person to generate better karma?

what the fuck do i do?

i am getting desperate. i cannot keep living the way we do. i cannot be broke this much longer. we are going into debt like nothing else and i don’t know what to do. what happened?

how do we stop drowning? do we live with stephen’s parents for a few months?

i just don’t know