Feelings of Dread

Every time I walk through the open overpass I get a shiver down my spine.  It would be so easy to jump over and play out those last five seconds on the freeway until some driver’s tire replaced your face.  The inevitable screeching that would follow, or maybe just a quick thump-thump and the lights would go out.

I get that same feeling when I’m on the freeway too.  Just one jerk of the wheel and your world would turn upside down.  I don’t think anyone can really stay conscious through an 80mph impact from an oncoming school bus.

Sometimes on the toilet I expect an 8.7 earthquake that Los Angeles has been long overdo for.  The rolling streets would toss up cars like matchsticks and buildings would crumble from their foundations.  I’d shoot straight through my ceiling with my pants down in mid-shit…I’d catch sight of a bird swooping past me in panicked flapping madness and I might even try to flap my own arms, if I wasn’t so busy trying to pull my pants up, which were now hooked around my ankle.  After I cleared the telephone pole I realised that this was probably it.  Everything slows down and I hear the voice of my first pet rabbit Sniffles calling my name to join him. I just know it’s his voice when I hear it and soon enough he appears in the clouds gnawing on a giant carrot and looks pretty happy.  The earthquake is not an afterthought for Sniffles.  Or a current one.  Or something he mulled over 5 minutes ago.  It was then that I put two and two together.

Sniffles was and had always been God.  He was responsible for the earthquake.  I shouldn’t of pulled his ears.

"I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID, I DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER!"

Sniffles had yelled this at me in a mock Marty voice which bordered on cruel.  I could never speak in that high octive pitch and it was an obscene impersonation.

I mustered all the courage I had left over as I started making my steep descent towards hell and decided to let the world know what I thought about this travesty.

"OUR GOD SHITS IN PELLETS!"  I screamed and flipped Sniffles the bird.

That’s when I felt my boxers melt off my flesh and I heard the low rumble of a rodent-like mammal  laughing.