The Metallica Bit

It’s just like the gym. I have to drag myself out of bed and force myself to get out there. Drive an hour or two to some bar. I have no expectations- maybe I read a little too much about the place. Or the flyer might suggest something. Dive bar. Shit show. 1-tem minimum. 3-5 minutes. Maybe the open mic follows a booked show. Maybe The World Series is happening on the same night, so there’s an even longer delay. People are just trying to eat, there’s all kinds of difficult scenarios.

Imagine walking into an open casket funeral and slamming the lid down,

“Okay everybody, time for the open mic!”

Hosting can be a nightmare situation if you’re springing an open mic onto unsuspecting customers that are just trying to eat their pizza. Ever been to a coffee shop and there’s a musician playing? Maybe you think, oh hey, this will be nice, I’ll enjoy a sandwich with a little background music! But nobody ever pokes their head into a comedy open mic, Is that a dick joke I just heard? There’s a seat right up front, I’m gonna check this out!

When I lock onto the room, I start feeling the excitement. This room seems impossible, but the place has an energy. People are laughing and drinking. My ego says Let’s turn this room around. Maybe I can get them to listen to me. Hit them with a dick joke- this kind of crowd loves the sex stuff.

Not all of my stuff is dirty, but certain jokes get their attention right away.

I  always get excited when I get to the last tissue…because then I get to fuck the Kleenex box! Some things are worth waiting for.

I was at home sick when I wrote this joke and when I went to try it out I had no expectations. I thought it was the worst joke that I brought to the mic that week and it got a huge laugh from a room full of comedians. An all-comic open mic, a bunch of my Long Beach friends. You can’t trust a joke right away if it only works on comedians though, so I tried it again. This cheap joke has become one of my standards because it always works on a good percentage of the room. Maybe it’s just the right combination of gross and stupid. I hope it has to do with my delivery too, I have a deep voice and I enjoy selling absurd comedy.

After the joke hit I remember thinking, Jesus, I wish the rest of my stuff worked this good! Now I gotta write another 45 minutes of this stuff- that only took 10 seconds. I don’t think that joke is gold I promise you and I’m not really a one-liner guy, so it’s a little peculiar for me. It also scares me a bit- like someone else could’ve written a joke just like it- not sure it’s that far out enough to be mine. Regardless, I wouldn’t be devastated if I heard someone else say it, I could dump it in a second. I know I can write other stuff and I only feel truly married to my longer bits where it’s clearly my stupid world.

I did a lot of conceptual bits in my first year. A crazy monologue about how I offended a sea lion in a comedy club because of an insensitive impression. Later I stumble onto a secret sea lion comedy club called The Barking Brujaja, where the sea lion headliner is doing MY ACT. A 6 minute story, which is really long for a newbie.

Now most of my jokes  are 4 minutes at most. I haven’t cracked most of my favorite ideas- lot of half jokes in need of an ending.

I’m a huge fan of Metallica…t-shirts. Metallica the band, not a fan. Don’t get me wrong, I like all of Metallica’s merch, I just hate their devil music. Why can’t all music just be like ska?

I wrote this bit because I was wearing a Metallica t-shirt and a man stopped me in a hotdog joint.

“Hey man, thanks for being a fan.” he said.

“What’s that?” I asked, a little distracted. I was on my way out to The Comedy Store, so I could sign up for the open mic.

“Your shirt,” he added. “Thanks for being a fan.”

“Oh yeah, thanks.”

An hour later, I realized that I had failed to recognize Lars Ulrich of the band Metallica, trying to say hi to me, one of his so-called fans.

I’m a fucking idiot. A piece of shit casual listener donning a shirt to a band that I couldn’t even identify in the flesh!

I went back and he was gone. I tried telling the story on stage, but the embarrassment outweighed the actual funny. I decided to go absurd with it instead. Now the whole bit is about how I wished Metallica sewed their own t-shirts (cuz they’re so hardcore) and it spirals into really stupid territory- plenty of physical comedy act outs. That’s my favorite kind of bit to perform, but it’s also the most painful to test. Flailing on stage in front of a bunch of cynical comedians is brutal, especially if the bit is not working and I have to trudge through 2-3 minutes of it. Commit to the bit or die an instant death.

It’s Metallica’s dressing room before the show. I’m pantomiming Lars at a sewing machine screaming, “WE GOTTA FINISH THESE T-SHIRTS MAN! AH SHIT, JAMES IS TANGLED IN YARN AGAIN!”

It’s almost 4 minutes long now and it’s hard to know when to stop. How do I keep the crowd on board? When is it too long? Little jokes in between need to be stronger. Act outs and pantomiming more clear and confident in the performance. I film myself and watch it to see what the hell I’m doing. If I make myself laugh I know I have something because it all begins with an audience of one.  My dumbass. If I laugh then dammit, there’s something there. My humor won’t always sync up with everyone else’s, but that’s part of the fun. Finding those people that are laughing HARD because they too, are insane about the stupid funny.

Steve Martin. Biggest influence. Just goofy and creative. Sometimes incredibly stupid. Fake arrogance. Occasional wordplay. Love his rhythm. My new favorite is Sebastian Maniscalco. He’s blowing up right now, but I’m guessing he’ll be a household name in the next couple of years.

I finally listened to Emo Phillips first album. Holy crap that guy is a genius. Been getting into more research, reading more books, watching comedy documentaries and sampling Netflix specials. I rarely laugh out loud because I’m probably too critical. Like when I started becoming a film nerd, I was thinking too much about the inner workings of the shot. Film school alters the way you watch a movie forever. But when a movie (or a comedian) is really incredible, I get lost in the storytelling, or the hilarity of a punchline and finally lose myself.

Anyway, like I always say to my girlfriend after rambling for 10 minutes,

Who cares, comedy shmomedy, thanks for listening to my bullshit.