Its like everything I want or look forward to just

Its like everything I want or look forward to just gets ruined, Every time I look forward to anything. I get disappointed. Not one thing I’ve ever wanted went right. I’m just a big failure. Nothing I do is right, and now all I want to do is get drunk off of the shit in my freezer. Too bad I don’t have someone to hang out with or help me feel better about this whole thing. Damn it all! The friends I thought were, just aren’t. My best friend would rather work then see me? What is that? My other best friend, stood us up after saying yeah come on over and we’ll hang out. What ever… why shouldn’t I cry? Why shouldn’t I give up? And Why am I stuck in this place feeling alone All the time? Why does Richard know more about what’s going on then I do? And Why does nothing I want happen? What do I do? What should I do? I can’t help but wonder… Maybe I should just give up on everything. On everyone. Maybe the thought of Jim and I being together won’t ever happen. And Maybe it shouldn’t. I hate this, do I call his sister’s house to talk to him, or hope he’ll call me? If I did get to talk to him, I’d say, It would be better for him to say, “No I’m busy, we can’t hang out right now” or “I’d rather not see….” then to say “Yeah, Alright, when do you want to pick me Up? Ok that’s great! I’ll be here!” Then stand us up. Yeah, maybe he doesn’t care about me. Maybe he has turned into a jerk. Maybe I don’t know him like I used to. But then I see what this is doing to me, Thinking he’s not the guy I’ve grown so fond of. The man I’ve fallen for. I have to think… Maybe there’s a reason he’s acting like this. Maybe he has been playing me. Maybe he wants to see how much pain I’ll put up with. And Maybe… I’m crazy. I just want to be with him. Hang out, do nothing. Is that too much to ask? I guess it must be.

Last night I was supposed to go out with Krystal, Then she decided to go do the whole Over time thing, So today, My parents are out at the casino, and I’m here… I called out of work, and I’m ready to just quit on everything. I’m ready to just give up. Break down. Have nothing or no one. I just don’t know right now. What should I do? What should I say? My life is nothing, my life is pointless. I want to die right now. I want to just be nothing. I got pretty, and then I got attention, and still, he didn’t see me, he didn’t notice. Well, Now I’m going back to the old me. Giving up! Giving up on “pretty” it takes too much effort. And I don’t have it anymore. I’m supposed to wait until TUESDAY! To see him? Nope, I’m not alright with that either. I have school from 9 am til 2 then I work till 1030 and hey guess what, I’ll be out of my house from 730a till 1045p. What’s the point then? I should give up. I should say… forget it. I don’t care anymore. Why should I? What’s the point? I can’t stand this anymore. My brothers don’t help. Like it’s OK! Its ok that I’m the one getting hurt here not him. I’m the one in suffering. I thought he cares about me, then something like today.

I officially can’t stand my life. I want to go die in some dark place all alone. Yesterday was bad, and today… worse. Tomorrow, I’m going to just stay in bed all day. What makes me want to get out of bed after a couple days like today? I really can’t stand this anymore. He can’t come up tomorrow, Not tonight for a little bit? Not before Tuesday? Not early… what is the point if I’ll see him for like 1 hr if that? When are we supposed to go out? When are we supposed to go on our “first date”. Are we ever going to? Or are we going to keep this never seeing each other thing going on for the next 50 years? I want to stop it now, but my heart is too far in to take it out and the only way I can is if I just up and leave. Pack everything up and my kids and get the fudge out of here. I want to, more then anything I want to leave this place. I want to go anywhere but here. I guess I can go to a few places… I think I can anyways. I want to move far, far away. There’s these rumors of a filming studio coming to this state, and Yeah, I’ll be there, I’ll try out for the crew. Not like I’d want anything more then the hair makeup nails stuff. Ok, Designing the costumes, or you know, the special effects stuff! Golly! I hope I can make up my mind for sure. Maybe I’ll go for all of them. But Heck! What do I do now! Now I’m all alone, my heart broken into pieces. When someone comes over I try to just put the parts, even if they don’t fit right, Under the bed. Hide them. Put them under the blanket. Something so noone notices how much I hurt. Why can’t they see I’m hiding something? Why can’t they see I’m in pain over here? They don’t care, they wouldn’t. It’s not them getting hurt here, It’s me. My life, my wrong, my everything. I don’t know anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t care. Maybe I should give up on everything. Life, happiness, love, fashion, a career, beauty, family, friends, all of it. I should just say good bye, I should just give up and burry myself in grief. I should just say nothing and see if anyone notices the lack of anything from me. I have to wonder. Why me? Why today? Why now? What is it that always brings these feelings to me? Then the thought… nope, I don’t have to worry. I’m all alone again. Why do I care so much? Why does it hurt. I can’t decide if my chest or head hurts worse right now. But I think it’s my chest. Right where the crucifix I always have on, lays. It hurts. Like a knife cutting, never ending skin splitting feeling. Every time I move, breath, feel… anything. Maybe I should give up… maybe I should say no more. Just curl up and say good bye forever. Pretty, Me? Never. I’m too fat, too ugly, and too anything to be happy or beautiful. Why should I take the time to be pretty if I’m not going anywhere, or seeing anyone? Or I hate my life. I hate everything right now. Every where I go… I cry.. I pine, I ache, I die. I little more each time, soon I’ll have nothing left. No feelings no hope no… what should I do? What makes me think… I hate my life… I hate today… I hate the feelings I’ve got right now… I hate everything about today.