empty

I had the second ultrasound this morning. It confirmed what the first one said. There was no heartbeat and no blood flow to the baby. It was measuring 8 weeks, almost 9 so they think it died (? stopped growing?) a couple weeks ago. I haven’t had any cramping or spotting or any other symptoms really, although I did have a nagging suspicion that something was wrong though. I had been planning on telling my mom that I was pregnant for the last week and I kept telling myself to wait until my doctor appointment, just in case. Blah. I spoke to the perinatologist that they sent me to and he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with me and that we should be able to have a healthy baby in the future.

My doctor got me in today for the d&c. I really appreciate that he did. He had a full schedule and didn’t have any openings until 4:30 in the afternoon but there were no ORs at the hospital then so he cancelled appointments for me and I had it done at 1pm. Thankfully they used general anesthesia so the last thing I remember is them asking me if I was sleeping yet and commenting on how they had already given me quite a bit of anesthsia and I was still awake.

I woke up as the wheeled me into recovery. I got 3 shots of demerol for the pain and a percocet as well. If this doesn’t make sense, I’m going to blame the large quantities of drugs in my system.

Michael is off picking up my prescription for percocet and getting me a movie at blockbuster and dinner at Chipotle. He stayed with me the entire time he was allowed to. I love him so much. He is a man and he has a few dense moments, but he has been so much support overall.

I didn’t really break down until we dropped Parker off with Jeff yesterday afternoon. I cried when I left the doctors office after initial finding out, but not much very much. When we got back in my car after giving Parker to Jeff he pulled me in for a hug and the tears started coming and I couldn’t stop. He wiped away a few tears too, but I wasn’t sure if he was sad or maybe possibly a little relieved. Last night he caught me looking at the last ultrasound picture they gave me yesterday though and he broke down. I know I probably had more of an emotional attachment than he did, but it helps knowing someone else is devestated by this too. Before he left a little while ago he was laying next to me in bed and said, "its weird, missing someone so much, that you’ve never even met". I started to tear up which made him start again.

I feel so empty. I never thought I’d be so attached. I feel like a part of me is missing. I have a feeling I’m going to feel like this for quite a while. Its just not fair. 

I miss my son. I couldn’t keep him here and have him see me cry. He’s so sweet and he gets upset when I’m upset. I couldn’t do that to him. He called me this morning and kept saying I wanna go home to Michael’s and mommy’s. It breaks my heart.

I need to lay back down. Its too hard to type laying down but sitting up is making me feel dizzy. I have no idea how coherent this is. Oh well.