I emailed my mom last Tuesday that I needed a family break. I told her that I thought she was holding back and lying to me and I needed a break from the whole family. I told her not to write back and surprisingly she didn’t. Now my sisters have called a few times which is odd because they don’t call me that often. So she has sent out the troops and I bet she hasn’t even told them what is going on. I bet she told them I was suicidal again.
The best part is, I haven’t felt so light and free in years. When my phone rang, my spirits instantly fell into my gut. How can family make someone feel this way? Wait, because they have always made me feel this way. My oldest sister always told me I was adopted and my mom didn’t love me, joking of course, but now look where we are. My middle sister was always a competition with me and the first thing out of her mouth when she found out I wasn’t her full sister was, “now I know why I always compared my self to you”. They got my dads genes and are bigger built and I got my bio dads genes with an angular face and I am thinner with thinner blond hair. We look nothing alike. I don’t compete with my sisters or my friends. There is room for everyone to be who they are.
My entire life people asked me if we had the same parents and it made me a liar because I always said, “yep, same mom, same dad”. My mom lied too and said I had the French Canadian Indian side and that is where I got the high cheekbones and the jawline. Nope, I got pictures from my niece (she was the daughter of the teen pregnancy and is almost my age) and my bio dad and I look a LOT a like when he was younger. Our bone structure is eery. I have never looked like anyone and it definitely fucked me up, but also answered so many questions.
It sounds confusing in my own head because even I can’t make sense of it, so how can I make my family understand? How can I talk to them again when I just feel like I don’t even belong? I realize what’s done is done. I accept that. I am not angry about that. I am angry that my mom can’t level with me. I am angry that my family just can’t talk and is so full of secrets. No one can just talk. When I was in trauma counseling for my suicide attempt, no one could talk about it and no one knew. Shame. Shame. Shame. When my brother was in rehab. Same thing. He died. No one talks about it. Shame. Shame. Shame. My sister had cancer. Same thing. I was sexually assaulted. Same thing. I was sexually harassed and fired and same thing, but it was my fault. Lets not talk about it because its so shameful. Everything is a damn secret because we have to hold this appearance that our family is so damn perfect.
Shame shame shame