Berry

I am not sorry for disappearing.  I’m not sorry for deleting everything. You always had a way to get in touch with me.  It is not my fault you did not use a different way other than social media to contact me.  How is it you want me so bad that you just let me disappear and you never look for me?  I told you I NEEDED someone in my corner for me.  A best friend, a partner in crime and a ride or die.  I even described it as eat, sleep, breathe me, etc.  I was so close to being there and being with YOU and having US and six dogs!  Six freaking dogs Berry!  I wanted better than the pictures we painted for each other.  I didn’t want it to be just that; I wanted it to be real.  So real.  I NEEDED someone to care more than I did.  The fact that you are emotionally detached or emotionally unavailable means you can’t care about my feelings any more than you do your own and that means looking through and passed them and not dealing with them.  I don’t want to “settle” for or with a man that’s unsure of me in certain aspects.

How can I trust I’d be priority?  Do I deserve to be priority?  You haven’t shown me I’d been given that spot or even close to.  I’ve shown up for you, shown up for US, put myself there in tears a couple times because I was less than two miles away and you wouldn’t come for me even then.  You said I have a best friend in Houston, well he should understand the why I took that step back.  But with the connection we supposedly have you should have at least checked on me once in this time.  You have no idea how rejected I felt those times I showed up and you didn’t.  That’s not love Babe.  I don’t have the energy to just be tossed within a couple months.  I’ve already told you I have no one.  I NEED to be able to “fall”, I was right there!  I just NEEDED a lil more YOU, like that surprise video chat that Saturday Morning.

I NEED to be LOVED.  I NEED to be held.  I NEED to be able to fall completely to pieces and KNOW that YOU got me.  I NEED to be able to love BIG and love LOUDLY.  I NEED to be able to call YOU for anything.  I NEED to be able to have the opportunity to build with someone.  But here’s the whole problem.  YOU don’t want to be NEEDED.  I CAN NOT RELY ON THAT.  I NEED SOMEONE THAT’S SURE OF ME EVERYDAY AND MORE ESPECIALLY WHEN I’M NOT PRESENT.