Things I wish were(n’t) true

Before there was Facebook, there was OD. And I was a loyal member of the OD community. And then when OD went away, which was, admittedly, just as much my fault as anyone else’s, Facebook became the place where I’d post random updates, funny things the kids said, weird things that happened to me, all the things I wanted to share with the world at large. OR, at least, my world. I used to be more selective about who I let on my Facebook page. I’d pared down the ol’ Friends List a few times to eliminate troublemakers, or to give myself a bit of privacy when I got a billion new friends and started forgetting who all of them were. Right now, I have 272 friends. I’m officially “out” to everyone, and everybody (family included) sees posts about Chanel and the kids and the new house. Now, I find that I have too many friends to speak as openly as I want to, most of the time. I want to talk about things that I don’t want everyone to know about. Some things, I dont want Chanel to know about. I wish that weren’t true.

I’ve been struggling, for the last.. year or two.. with my mental health. Primarily, anxiety and OCD, but also depression. I’ve always been a bubbly, happy, outgoing, outspoken, loud, crazy, funny person. People are typically shocked when they hear that I take medication for depression. But life is hard. I have a mixed group of friends, some super hippies, the anti-vax, vegan sort, and some lazy and proud of it junk food junkies. I enjoy surrounding myself with a variety of people, and hearing different insights, different stories, different opinions… but I hate when several different “Groups” of people glom onto a thread or a post and start ranting and raving about what I need to do for my health, or what I need to not do, or what I should stop doing, or start doing.. it’s overwhelming, if I’m being honest. So many people. So many “truths,” recommendations, beliefs. And I appreciate them most of the time, I do. But trust me when I say that I need, right now, to be taking my medication.

And I hate it.

I hate taking it. I hate the side effects. I hate forgetting it. I hate when I forget it and someone asks me “did you take your medicine today?” Because fuck you. No I didn’t. And I know it. And I need it. And you know and I both know I need it. And I hate that. I don’t want to take it. I don’t want to choose between depression + orgasms or the ability to be happy + no orgasms. This is something silly, that a lot of people wouldn’t put a lot of stock in, but sex is important to me. My “love language” is touch, I crave closeness, intimacy, and a deeper connection with my significant other. Chanel also just started taking an anti-anxiety/depression medication, and it’s taken a huge toll on her sex drive. I feel undesirable, and unwanted, and unloved. Even though I know it’s not true. I know she loves me, she acts like she loves me, she tells me she loves me, she shows me she loves me all the time. She packs me lunches. She makes me to-go breakfast in the mornings. She lets me sleep in on the weekends. She tells me I’m beautiful. I almost believe her, too. I don’t know why my brain can’t separate the physical loving from the other actions and words that show me she loves me. I wish I could. She texted me earlier, saying she wished I could know and that not having sex every day is not an indicator of how much she loves me. LOGICALLY, I know that. But god damnit. I want her so bad all the time. I love her so much. So hard. Just looking at her makes me want her. She’s so completely perfect to me. I can barely stand it. She falls asleep long before I do most nights, and I stare at her and stroke her face and her hair, and just watch her sleep. Sometimes I bury my face in her hair and just hold her and cry. Because I can’t stand it.

I don’t know how or why she happened to me, but I needed her. I need her. This is it. She’s my only, everything. I could never walk away, I could never let her leave. I want everything about her crazy complicated life, entwined in mine. I wish it were easier. There are so many things I wish weren’t true.