I’m done saying “yes”

I say yes to so many people. My mom. My sisters. My best friend. Everyone. Hell, about the only person I regularly tell no is my father and even then I feel guilty.

I became who I needed when I was a teenager, but why is that person also needed by everyone else?

I’ve had difficulty in the past asking for help. I very much fall into the stereotype of the gifted kid that feels like they have to do everything alone. Today I was doing yardwork for my mother and I asked her to help me with an easy task. While I was doing the majority of the overarching task she asked me to go inside to get her something. That defeats the entire point! I didn’t even really need the help in the first place; I’m just trying to get better at not trying to solo everything.

My sisters ask me for help too. They usually ask me for help because they don’t have anyone else reliable in their lives. Hell I don’t even show up as much as I’d like in their lives. I’m usually so burnt out with everyone else asking for parts of me that I don’t have the energy to just be present with them.

My mom asks me for labor. My sisters ask me for guidance. My dad asks for time. My best friend asks for time, commitment and money. My estranged brother asks for time. My entire family asks me to respond faster. Friends have assumed I don’t have any interest in their requests or messages because by the time I take care of everyone else and in the occasion I take care of myself I just couldn’t fucking be bothered to respond to a request to schedule time to play a game.

I despise how technology has enabled people to feel entitled to instant responses, instant gratification. Apparently that’s a relatively new thing in society. As a millennial it feels ubiquitous.

I can’t keep telling people yes. They just ask for more. I buy into a wargame just for my best friend to put it down a month later. And I’ve told him no so many times. By the time I have the energy to get miniatures assembled and painted he’s moved on to something else. It’s ridiculous. And he doesn’t even try to understand my position in my family. I know I’m a parentified child but my mom doesn’t have anyone else. She’s unhealthy too. She only has herself to blame for her weight and condition but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s unable to do certain things around the house.

For all that I give I don’t feel I have anyone I can lay this on. I used to have a therapist but I need to pay back money I’ve borrowed from others before I can rationalize going back to therapy. I’ve messaged friends to no avail. Hell I even messaged a girl advertising to be an online girlfriend “for hire”. They didn’t even respond. I feel invisible. I feel sad.