Balloon

Well, in about 2 and a half to 3 weeks I will have hit the 200lb mark.  I weighed myself last night and Im at 195, just a few short weeks ago I was 190 so its moving pretty quick.  If I carry on at this rate, I figure by the end of the year I will be 250 lbs.  5’5" and 250lbs attractive huh!!

I hate myself, I make myself sick.  I dont like to go to the bathroom, I dont like to get into the shower because I see part of me naked or all of me and it just makes my stomach churn.  When we went camping this weekend, I tried to keep my legs in a position that it would burn or tan my stretch marks, that way I dont have to look at the disgusting marks.  It worked, kinda.

Last night I weighed myself and instantly got pissed and depressed at the same time.  I cried a bit in the shower, then went straight to bed.  I didnt want to have sex with Stephen because I feel so disgusting, I never want to have sex with him because of the way I feel.  He’s great, he tells me Im beautiful and he loves me and all that good stuff, tries to make me feel better, as much as its appreciated it doesnt help.  Its not the way he views me that upsets me, its the way I view myself.

Ive said this before and I will say it again, I want to feel hot, I want to feel sexy, I want to hear him say those words and truly feel that way.  Instead I feel disgusting, repulsive, gross.   Im angry with myself for gaining all this weight.  I have NO clothes to wear because all the shirts have magically become too small as has everything else.  Im always wearing the same things over and over again because nothing else fits.   I cant even fit my fat ass into the shirt I wore on our first date, I love that shirt.  I cant afford to go shopping for new clothes, they are too damn expensive.

Yesterday, sitting at work, I was eyeballing the hunk of fat just below my belly button.  You know that flap of skin that makes you wonder how large people find their naughty parts……….yeah, I have one of those.  Not quite that bad that people would wonder that, not yet atleast and it just made me sick.

How could this have happened?  I wish I could go back to my old size.  I feel like Ive let myself go.  I want Stephen to look at me and think DAMNNNNN not DAMNNNN…….I want to turn random heads, I want people to be jealous that Im with him.  I want to feel attractive.  Sometimes I get to thinking these bad thoughts and I stop myself and say to myself that Stephen loves me and thinks Im beautiful regardless so why should I care……..BECAUSE I DO!

Im unhappy.  Ive tried to get Stephen to help me with it, but he wont.  I suggested we go walking in the evenings, he doesnt want to do that because of his knee.  So then I suggested bike riding, we’ve been once since I got my new bike.  So then I suggested the gym, he doesnt want to do that.  I got us a free month at a gym, asked him to please go for me……..we never went.  I want him to help motivate me.   I want him to help in more ways than just trying to console me so to speak.  I guess I have to find the motivation on my own.

On the way to work this morning I was tempted to stop for food, I was starving and still am, but I wouldnt allow myself.  I brought 4 cans of fruit to work with me this morning.  I will eat 2 today and 2 tomorrow and go buy myself more and continue on like this.  At least I wont be eating all the junk I used to.  Hopefully I dont make myself sick from not eating anything else. 

I HATE MYSELF!