Coping

I’ve been through a lot this last year and a half. I started a job that ended up depleting my confidence where I worked long hours for zero reward, began a Master’s Program that has added more stress which made me question my career choice, had intense relationship issues that caused me to consider divorce, attempted suicide, dove deeper into my alcohol addiction, had my best friend slowly step back from me due to being “too depressing to be around and talk to”, and had my older sister who I always admired and who raised me completely delete me from her life because I “haven’t been present and had become unreliable” despite me telling her about my severe depression and suicide attempt.

That being said, I think I have wallowed in this for too long. My best friend doesn’t want to be there for me? Cool, I’ll spend more time on myself and enjoy being alone. My husband continues to verbally and emotionally beat me down? Okay, I’ll spend less time talking to him and more time doing whatever makes me happy. My sister doesn’t want to have me apart of her life despite everything we’ve been through? Got it, I have learned to trust no one thanks to this experience.

I am getting sober. I am going to get fit. I am focusing on my hobbies. And I am learning that you truly, honestly, cannot give any part of your heart to someone. So I will make sure to play pretend. It sounds dark, but it’s truly the safest way.

Maybe one day I’ll disappear. And no one will blink.