Joyride

I like to take a drive at night here and there. It gives me clarity. Nothing special, no destination. Sometimes I bring a few drinks with me (I know *gasp* drinking and driving).

I sit at the parks along the river where Lake Erie passes through. I smoke and have some drinks, listen to nostalgic music from my teenage years and reminisce.

Currently I’m sitting at Bishop Park. A little strip sitting along Erie with red tower lights dotting the sky in the stance. You wouldn’t know the water was here unless you say in silence and listened or pressed yourself to the wooden barriers of the edge of the lake.

I came here once for the first time with my high school sweetheart. He was driving his stepfathers truck and we dove to the back where the windows were tinted and I made love to him being on top of him, in control, for the first time. It was strange and exhilarating and interesting all at once. I never orgasmed with him but I enjoyed the fun that came with spontaneity.

Currently, as I write this, I see other vehicles around me and wonder if they are doing the same. I was 17 then. It’s now 16 years later and my first night here still resides in my memory.

Now I have a husband and children waiting at home in their beds. I have friends that are well occupied with their own lives and unavailable unlike our early years where we had more time to spend than money.

Most would find depression in these reflective thoughts but I find them revitalizing. It reminds me of who I was and who is at the core of me.

Yes, mistakes have been made but there is still that wandering soul within me wishing for spontaneous moments and challenging exhilaration.

I’m finding her. Maybe everything I have been going through has a true purpose. The hurt is chipping away at me to bring back the youthful heart that once resided here.