Unraveling

My husband asked for a divorce.

I really thought I had begun to figure it out. I really thought things were finally being good.

But I made it worse. I made him feel awful and hurt and like he was nothing.

I’ve ruined everything. With everyone.

I am slowly losing all of the people I love and have kept the closest to my heart.

And I am realizing it now that it has been me. I’m not throwing a pity party here. It truly, wholeheartedly has been ME.

I played the victim. But it was them all along.

They have every right to hate me. They have every right to push me out.

I am the toxic one. I have been all along. I only just now see it. Because I just now realized I was the one who only gave my point of view. I only saw things on MY side.

I never thought of them…

My husband agreed to do couples counseling. He said he honestly believes it will not work and will not change the fact that he is no longer in love with me but platonically loves me.

If I lose him, I’m done for. He is the string that was keeping my heart from unraveling. And it took me until now, when he began to pull his thread from me, to realize this.