A really bad dream

BEAUTIFUL morning out there today.

The Jet Stream is blowing south of us, into California, sending them lots of rain, but it’s dry and bright here today.

Well, this morning, anyway.

I woke up at the usual alarm time and thought, "I don’t have to get up" but did anyway, to visit the bathroom, and then laid back down and slipped back into dreamland.

Then I woke up from a horrible dream, shaking and feeling stupid. Typically, I do my laundry on Sunday nights; it’s peaceful in the laundry room then.

I dreamed I forgot my laundry down there last week.

That woke me right up; I can’t afford to replace clothes, let alone LOSE them

arrrrgggghhhhhh!

K* called last night; first time I have talked to her in a while, and my phone ran out of minutes and cut us off.

See above scream line again.

I feel like I’m standing at the very edge, so close it’d only take a SMALL nudge to send me over.

***

I got word of the death of an acquaintance yesterday; A biker friend of mine was killed the other day, the father of the Groom in last month’s wedding, as a matter of fact. Word is he was shooting off a home-made cannon, which exploded and cut one of the major arteries in his leg, and that he bled out on the Lifeflight run to the hospital. My biker friend A is pretty broken up by it; he was Best Man at the wedding. The guy who died is only a few years older than me and a few years younger than my friend. I guess this is the time of life when you know more people who were alive and aren’t now, anymore.

There’s going to be a Biker Funeral out in Montana, which A is going to ride to. I’ll feed and water his dog again while he’s gone.

***

Third week of "Job Assessment" begins tomorrow. I’m more an more paranoid they are going to screw me out of SS Disability. I know there’s a memo out there that says "Screw NWC", and that has my real name on it. I’m just barely hanging on to what I have now, and will lose almost all of it if SSD gets denied. I won’t even be able to pay my minimal rent.

This life sucks right now; how can I do anything with disaster hanging over me like this?

***

I don’t know "who" I am; I never did, really. I was adopted; I don’t know "where" I came from or what my real ancestry is. When I was younger, I looked up my features and physical size and such to try to figure out "where I came from". "What is my heritage?"

I have felt abandoned most of my life; I don’t even know where I came from or anything about my "family" history. I know some of my adoptive parents’ history, but, I am not related to them. Is it any wonder I feel like the cat who walks alone?

***

Ah, but the sun is out and bright and… ICBW.

 

*****